Hello and welcome ladies to your guide for online dating. Now we all know that dating apps can be a scary place, filled with creepy men holding strange fish and trying to convince you that the gym is a personality, but there's no need to worry! Simply lower your standards, and browse mediocrity at your own discretion.

Tinder: 

For all you ladies out there, Tinder is a great place to meet new and exciting penises that will be sent directly to your photo library, no questions asked! If you're really into your kinky stuff, you could also consider talking to the human being attached to the penis, but in all honesty, I think we all already know that wouldn't be worth the effort. Now remember ladies, we all know what the most important factor is when determining a mate: height. It doesn't matter if you're five foot eleven or three foot four, if they ain't over six foot then they're a beta male who isn't worth your time. This applies throughout history: Napoleon may be the most successful military genius to ever walk the Earth, but he was also short. You know what that means: beta male. I understand that this can be confusing, and so to help all you budding singles, I have developed what I call the CHEW method, which is as follows: Charisma, Height, Exceptional physique, and Wealth. No other factors matter and only the combination of the four will guarantee the perfect mate and long, healthy relationships of at least three days. Chew on that personality. Now I'm sure after about five minutes of swiping you've realized two important things. Number one, women are way more attractive on average, and number two, half the population of the male world don't seem to own a single shirt between them. Nothing screams 'I'm gonna treat you right like a topless man holding a fish.

Bumble 

Bumble offers a more unique experience than Tinder, offering you the potential to receive unwanted sexual advances on a yellow background. Bumble can be intimidating as you have to make the first move. As the more emotionally intelligent and generally better-looking side of the species, this is your chance to really utilize your skills and choose the perfect hunk for you, so be sure, to begin with, 'Heyyy' (the more y's you add, the better). Now, remember, it is vital to feel insulted when they reply with 'Hello' and instantly unmatch. If this sounds like too much work for you, then simply add your Instagram handle in your description and claim that 'I'm never on this, message my insta' in order to completely bypass the entire point of the app whilst taking what little agency has been given to you and throwing it away like yesterday's leftover Chinese.

Now that you've removed the need to do anything at all, it's time to sit back and watch the profiles fly past. 'Why's that man in a clown costume?', 'oh God, not another rower' and 'Ewwwww' are all natural responses to the peak of humanity that whizzes past your eyeline, each performing unique poses such as tensing biceps, showcasing abs or dressed in a suit adorned with his private school tie. The choices are endless and with each as tantalizing as the last, Bumble is sure to not disappoint. Unless of course, you seek a relationship (that lasts over three days or a meaningful conversation, affection, signs of intelligence, or fun.

Hinge:

Now with Hinge comes a sort of je ne sais quoi, as each hunk of man is required to at least fake a personality. For most of us, this is actually rather difficult as men are simple creatures who resent answering such personal and invasive questions like 'What's your favorite type of food' or 'Please enter your name and date of birth'. As such, Hinge requires more patience than the speed of Tinder or Bumble, but in return offers very few improvements.

One such improvement is the ability to see everyone that likes you, which either acts as an amazing ego boost or reminds you that you will die alone and that no one could ever love you. Don't be too disheartened if it's the latter; hey, at least now you know and can save yourself sixty years of effort. Now when you do get a match (no I'm not jealous, you're jealous), remember that this is a more classy establishment and you won't receive the usual phallic image straight away. Instead, the men will feign emotional vulnerability and claim that they are too broken from an ex to invest any more time in you than it takes to enter your home and vagina before ejaculating and evacuating; as a rule, this is about thirty seconds from the start to finish.

So there we have it, a guide that explains the true dating app experience. Nobody ever said it was easy, but in this case, I wouldn't hold out hope that the man of your dreams is your first swipe or like (or even, for that matter, your six hundredths). Good luck!