The modern world is a scary place, and meeting people has never been quicker and easier than it is today. Through the magic of the internet, you could receive sixteen unsolicited dick pics within just a few hours! Ten years ago, that'd be at least a week's work! Who ever said romance is dead? For all you budding young lovers out there, here is our step by step guide to three for the mobile dating scene: Tinder, Bumble and Hinge.

Tinder:

Of course, the OG is Tinder. For guys, tinder has just a few simple steps that will grant you dating success. Step one is, of course, swiping. Now there's many different techniques to this: some people like to swipe on everyone and maximise their disappointment or really dig deep into profiles and try and identify what they look like underneath the seven layers of filters and fake tan. However, an educated and sophisticated scholar and gentleman like myself prefers to determine matches through the most logical parameter for determining relationship compatibility: star signs. As a Chad Virgo the Virgin, I know that Capricorns are the only ones for me and avoid those Sagittarius with a passion. All are acceptable techniques and really you just need the find that works best for you.

Now once you've swiped through at least three profiles, you'll start to notice very strange looking people with names like 'Get Tinder Premium Today!' or 'Boost your matches with super swipe!'. Now, I've personally never managed to match with any of these catches and assume they must just have marginally high standards.

The next step is to begin the conversation; now I know this is daunting but just remember, most girls are only there to advertise their insta anyway so you've nothing to lose and may as well humiliate yourself with poorly constructed and overtly sexual chat up lines that make no literal or grammatical sense. If you're struggling, here's a couple you can use:

'If seven times seven is 451 and a plane leaves Heathrow airport at nine fifteen am, will you go out with me?'

'TiramiSue, I choose you!' (For girls named Sue or Susan only).

'Hello' (Warning: highly controversial and unlikely to elicit a response).

Finally, we get to the last step: ghosting. Now it's unlikely any of you will reach this step, so well done if you have and don't get too down when your future wife doesn't reply to your witty and irreverent one liner. Ghosting is merely the final piece of the puzzle, and clearly indicates interest. Don't forget to send increasingly desperate messages begging for her attention.

Bumble: 

Now bumble shares a lot of similarities with Tinder but is different in several keyways. Firstly, it's called Bumble, and secondly, it's yellow. Don't be put off by this craziness though, the opportunities for rejection are equally as pertinent.

Now one key difference is that women are required to message first, which is fantastic because you get to experience the woman who criticized and unmatched you on Tinder for opening with 'Hey' start the conversation with a scintillating 'Heyyy x', a radical new way of starting the convo that I'm sure has many of you readers drooling at the mouth and wondering why you never thought of such a witty opener (I know I am).

Bumble has another unique feature, in that it shows you who you've matched with before they message you, which is great because it allows you to know for certain which girls only swiped on you by accident as you watch the yellow circle slowly dwindle over the hours whilst being sarcastically informed by Bumble that you can give them extra time. Instead I would advise you to do what I do instead, which involves ice cream, tears and the entire back catalogue of Kate Bush in order.  ‍

Hinge: 

Finally, we have Hinge, the app whose only desire is for you not to use it. requires you to answer a set number of questions that are harder to write than a master's dissertation and seem to serve about the same amount of purpose. 'Mountains or Beaches' is my personal favourite as it cleverly removes all scope for wit, intelligence and meaningful answers whilst allowing you to fulfil the minimum requirement in one word or less.

Once you have completed the tediousness of setting up your account, it will take a while to adjust to the new format; if you're like me, the first hour or so will be sent swiping on your screen wondering why everyone looks the same. You are required to press the small heart shaped symbol in the bottom corner, which is already too much emotional commitment for me and so it took six panic attacks and a constant reminder that this wasn't a contract of marriage before I liked my first person. You are also encouraged to write genuine emotional responses to the profiles of those you are interested in. Now, I know what you're thinking: emotions are for fools, and you would be right. Every guy knows that men don't have feelings and that depression was something invented by the Soviets to slow down Western production and begin a social revolution, so just fake it till you make it. My usual opener of 'do you like my biceps' has had limited responses on Hinge, although in fairness I should probably actually get some before using it.

So, there we have it, my lonely gentleman's guide to having the best dating app experience possible.

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