A Lonely, Repressed Man's Guide to Dating Apps


February 27, 2023

The modern world is a scary place, and meeting people has never been quicker and easier than it is today. Through the magic of the internet, you could receive sixteen unsolicited dick pics within just a few hours! Ten years ago, that'd be at least a week's work! Who ever said romance is dead? For all you budding young lovers out there, here is our step by step guide to three for the mobile dating scene: Tinder, Bumble and Hinge.


Of course, the OG is Tinder. For guys, tinder has just a few simple steps that will grant you dating success. Step one is, of course, swiping. Now there's many different techniques to this: some people like to swipe on everyone and maximise their disappointment or really dig deep into profiles and try and identify what they look like underneath the seven layers of filters and fake tan. However, an educated and sophisticated scholar and gentleman like myself prefers to determine matches through the most logical parameter for determining relationship compatibility: star signs. As a Chad Virgo the Virgin, I know that Capricorns are the only ones for me and avoid those Sagittarius with a passion. All are acceptable techniques and really you just need the find that works best for you.

Now once you've swiped through at least three profiles, you'll start to notice very strange looking people with names like 'Get Tinder Premium Today!' or 'Boost your matches with super swipe!'. Now, I've personally never managed to match with any of these catches and assume they must just have marginally high standards.

The next step is to begin the conversation; now I know this is daunting but just remember, most girls are only there to advertise their insta anyway so you've nothing to lose and may as well humiliate yourself with poorly constructed and overtly sexual chat up lines that make no literal or grammatical sense. If you're struggling, here's a couple you can use:

'If seven times seven is 451 and a plane leaves Heathrow airport at nine fifteen am, will you go out with me?'

'TiramiSue, I choose you!' (For girls named Sue or Susan only).

'Hello' (Warning: highly controversial and unlikely to elicit a response).

Finally, we get to the last step: ghosting. Now it's unlikely any of you will reach this step, so well done if you have and don't get too down when your future wife doesn't reply to your witty and irreverent one liner. Ghosting is merely the final piece of the puzzle, and clearly indicates interest. Don't forget to send increasingly desperate messages begging for her attention.


Now bumble shares a lot of similarities with Tinder but is different in several keyways. Firstly, it's called Bumble, and secondly, it's yellow. Don't be put off by this craziness though, the opportunities for rejection are equally as pertinent.

Now one key difference is that women are required to message first, which is fantastic because you get to experience the woman who criticized and unmatched you on Tinder for opening with 'Hey' start the conversation with a scintillating 'Heyyy x', a radical new way of starting the convo that I'm sure has many of you readers drooling at the mouth and wondering why you never thought of such a witty opener (I know I am).

Bumble has another unique feature, in that it shows you who you've matched with before they message you, which is great because it allows you to know for certain which girls only swiped on you by accident as you watch the yellow circle slowly dwindle over the hours whilst being sarcastically informed by Bumble that you can give them extra time. Instead I would advise you to do what I do instead, which involves ice cream, tears and the entire back catalogue of Kate Bush in order.  ‍


Finally, we have Hinge, the app whose only desire is for you not to use it. requires you to answer a set number of questions that are harder to write than a master's dissertation and seem to serve about the same amount of purpose. 'Mountains or Beaches' is my personal favourite as it cleverly removes all scope for wit, intelligence and meaningful answers whilst allowing you to fulfil the minimum requirement in one word or less.

Once you have completed the tediousness of setting up your account, it will take a while to adjust to the new format; if you're like me, the first hour or so will be sent swiping on your screen wondering why everyone looks the same. You are required to press the small heart shaped symbol in the bottom corner, which is already too much emotional commitment for me and so it took six panic attacks and a constant reminder that this wasn't a contract of marriage before I liked my first person. You are also encouraged to write genuine emotional responses to the profiles of those you are interested in. Now, I know what you're thinking: emotions are for fools, and you would be right. Every guy knows that men don't have feelings and that depression was something invented by the Soviets to slow down Western production and begin a social revolution, so just fake it till you make it. My usual opener of 'do you like my biceps' has had limited responses on Hinge, although in fairness I should probably actually get some before using it.

So, there we have it, my lonely gentleman's guide to having the best dating app experience possible.


General Information

The information provided by Freyja is for general information purposes only. All information on the site is provided in good faith, however, we make no representation or warranty of any kind, express or implied, regarding the accuracy, adequacy, validity, reliability, availability, or completeness of any information on the site. Under no circumstances shall we have any liability to you for any loss or damage of any kind incurred as a result of the use of the site or reliance on any information provided on the site. Your use of the site and your reliance on any information on the site is solely at your own risk.

Medical Advice

This website does not provide medical advice. The information provides by Freyja is for general information purposes only. Under no circumstances shall we have any liability for any loss or damage of any kind incurred as a result of the use of the site or reliance on any information provided on the site. Your use of the site and your reliance on any information on the site is solely at your own risk. No material on this site is intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek advice from a medical professional, and never delay in seeking any medical advice because of something you have read on this website.

The site may contain (or you may be sent through the site) links to other websites or content belonging to or originating from third parties or links to websites and features in banners or other advertising. Such external links are not investigated, monitored, or checked for accuracy, adequacy, validity, reliability, availability, or completeness by us. We do not warrant, endorse, guarantee, or assume responsibility for the accuracy or reliability of any information offered by third-party websites linked through the site or any website or feature. We will not be a party to or in a way be responsible for monitoring any transaction between you and third-party providers of products or services.


The site cannot and does not contain fitness advice. The fitness information is provided for general informational and educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional advice. Accordingly, before taking any actions based upon such information, we encourage you to consult with the appropriate professionals. We do not provide any kind of fitness advice. The use or reliance of any information contained on the site is solely at your own risk.