When we think about consent in our heads it seems simple, but then when we try to explain and understand consent it suddenly becomes difficult, and controversy fills the conversation. We all think that we know what it means. And when someone asks us, or we have to sit in a consent class, we all dismiss it as patronising, and unnecessary because we already know exactly what consent means.

However, explaining consent is one thing. But do we really understand consent? And so we really all practice consent? If you think that consent is a simple thing, then we have missed the point entirely, and you should brush up on your knowledge of consent. Because even though in theory consent should be a simple thing, it is not. If it was simple then we wouldn't repeatedly be having to have this conversation. In order to break this conversation down, we need to think about it in two parts:

1.  Why consent is hard to explain/understand  
2.  Why is consent hard to practice

First things first, let's define what consent in a sexual relationship actually is:

According to RAINN, 'consent is an agreement between participants to engage in sexual activity. Consent should be clearly and freely communicated. Consent cannot be given by individuals who are underage, intoxicated, or incapacitated by drugs or alcohol, or asleep or unconscious. If someone agrees to an activity under pressure of intimidation or threat, that isn't considered consent because it was not given freely. Unequal power dynamics, such as engaging in sexual activity with an employee or student, also mean that consent cannot be freely given.'

#### So, why is consent so challenging to explain/understand?

It should be noted that this is a very large conversation, and not one that can be given justice in a two-page article. There are lots of elements to this discussion. Consent is one of those things that we think we all know exactly what it is. But then when we are put on the spot and have to explain it, we miss something, or lack some knowledge. We all like to assume we know what consent means, and then we block ourselves off from learning the true meaning of consent.

From a legal perspective consent is pretty straightforward. It is a concept at the center of criminal law and sexual assault. But it can be challenging to develop a decent understanding about consent because there are so many myths and claims surrounding it, which in turn dilludes our understanding.

For example, when someone has been accused of harassment or assault, how many times have you heard them say 'it was 100% consensual'? But then they don't explain what that consent means. Or heard a reply about how it is a 'false accusation'. There's a lot of noise which takes away from our understanding of consent. Likewise, we often hear the defence of 'we can't tell' or 'we aren't mind readers. This also misses the point entirely.

Why is consent challenging in practice?

So, what does consent look like in practice? Sounds like a simple question, but a lot of people are confused about it. Indeed, in my own sex life whenever I've asked someone formally for consent, I've often been met with a weird reaction. Where they almost seem creeped out that I asked for consent. This is a good place to start. We need to normalise this. It is not weird to ask someone for consent, and it does not take away from the sexiness. People should be asking for consent. Just ask yourself, when was the last time you specifically asked someone: are you okay with this, do I have your consent? If you haven't done that in a while or you never had, then it's time to properly start practicing consent and not just think that you do. There is nothing patronising about starting a conversation about the importance of communication and of establishing boundaries within a sexual encounter or relationship.

Moreover, consent is ongoing, consent can change. And just because you consent to having sex does not mean you consent to deep throating or slapping. In addition, a lot of people do pressure their partner to do certain sexual acts, even if they do not realise it. For example, anal. But what people don't realise is that even the act of pressuring is coercion.  And yes, you may think, oh that's obvious. But then why is it such a problem? Clearly, there is a lack of understanding of consent be it consciously or subconsciously. And clearly, too many people subconsciously or consciously prioritize their pleasure over others feelings and this is intertwined with entitlement resulting in intentional or unintentional harm. Especially when it comes to 'pressuring into sexual acts'. What we need to do is start educating ourselves on the importance of consent and the importance of consensual, mutual and pleasurable sex.

How do we improve our understanding and practice of consent?

We've established the problem, but then how do we solve it? Well there's a couple ways that this can be done:

1.  Better sex education on consent in schools, universities and governments. We all need to put more pressure on these institutions in order for this to happen. We have to demand it in order to get a positive change. 
2.  More pleasure based sexual education.
3.  Normalise asking for consent. It is not unsexy to ask for consent, quite the reverse it is sexy!
4.  Have a discussion. Talk to your friends, talk to your family, talk to your partners about consent. Talking is what will normalise and help to solve this problem and create a better understanding for all. 
5.  Stop normalising drunk sex. 
6.  Learn how to read both verbal and nonverbal cues. 
7.  Read up on the basic guidelines of consent. 
8.  Know how to support and understand someone who has been sexually assaulted. 
9.  Produce and promote healthy pornography and characters in movies, who do not romantizise violence and unconsensual acts.

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Why is Consent So Hard to Understand? 

Consent. A simple and yet incredibly complex thing. When the topic comes up we often try to brush it to the side, claiming that we understand what consent is, and often feel patronized when someone tries to explain it to us.

I don't think that any of our issues is explaining what consent is, but we all do have a problem when it comes to understanding and practicing consent. And if you don't think that this is true, then you probably really need to brush up on your knowledge of consent. Regardless of whether you are a female, male or member of the LGBTQ+ community, all of us need to improve on our understanding and practice of consent.

#### What is consent?

Consent is a voluntary and clear agreement between participants to engage in specific sexual activity. Consent is clear, coherent and ongoing. There should be no grey area when it comes to consent. And consent can change at any time and does not cover every type of sexual act.

#### How and when should you ask for consent?

You must ask for consent before participating in sexual activity. You must also continually ask for consent during sex, and consent must be given for different sexual activities and practices. You must never guilt someone to pressure them into any type of sexual act. For example, if someone does not want to do anal sex, then you should not continually ask. No, means no. To continually ask for pressure is coercion.

You should just ask your partner what they are comfortable with and what they are not. Use this time to also have an open conversation about your boundaries and preferences. Remember, consent is ongoing!

#### Things to ask check when asking for consent:

-   **Coherent -** the people participating in sexual activity all must be capable of giving consent. They must not be intoxicated, or on drugs. They must be awake and conscious. 
-   **Willing**. Consent must be willing and voluntary. You should not pressure someone to have sex and hope that a no turns into a yes. That is coercion. You should never pressure anyone to do anything that they do not want to do. 
-   **Clear**. Consent must be clear. Your partner must be enthusiastic to engage in sexual activity. Has your partner given verbal consent? Are they silent? Never assume that you have consent, always ask.
-   **Ongoing.** Consent doesn't just happen once. Consent is ongoing. You need consent for every single sexual act.

#### Reading verbal and nonverbal cues:

Consent can be shown both verbally and nonverbally. That's why it is important that you are able to read both types of cues. If someone verbally DOES NOT consent it may (but is not limited) to the following:

1.  No 
2.  I do not want to 
3.  I'm not sure
4.  I don't know 
5.  Stop 
6.  But ...
7.  That makes me uncomfortable 
8.  I don't want to do this anymore 
9.  This doesn't feel right
10. This feels wrong 
11. Changing the subject

If your partner is nonverbally showing that they DO NOT want to have sex it may (but is not limited) to looking like this:

1.  Pushing you away 
2.  Pulling away 
3.  Sharking their head 
4.  Being quiet 
5.  Crying 
6.  Not looking you in the eye 
7.  Not responding 
8.  Being motionless 
9.  Looking sad 
10. Looking scared
11. Not removing their own clothing.

If your partner appears to be doing any of the above then they have not consented. But remember, that is a limited list, and there are other ways that non-consent can be showcased both verbally and physically.

Understanding Verbal and Non-Verbal Consent 

#### Overview: 

A 2017 report about misogyny and sexual harassment from Harvard Gradate School of Education discovered that around 60% of young people never spoke to their parents about the importance of not continuing to ask someone to have sex after they had said no. Likewise, just under 60% of young people did not speak to their parents about the importance of not having sex with someone who is intoxicated or impaired to make decisions about sex. Consent can be a tricky concept for children and teens to wrap their heads around. Children and teens may not always understand it and can put themselves in tricky situations due to a lack of understanding. That is why it is vital as a parent to teach your children about consent from an early age. This will help consent to become engrained in them so that they can say no, and understand no. 

#### The Basics:

The easier and most effective way to give kids a solid foundation when it comes to consent in their early years is to re-enforce some basic principles. 

-   Permission 
-   Empathy 
-   Compassion 
-   Boundaries 
-   Get children to wash themselves to increase body awareness 

#### Permissions: 

From a very young age, one of the most important principles to reenforce when it comes to consent is the idea of permission. Children should be encouraged to ask before touching each other and respect others when they don't want to be touched. It is also good practice to ensure that you maintain firm boundaries with your kids in regard to other matters. Consent does not function uniquely in regard to body content and sexual matters, it is an overarching mindset that effects ones whole life. It is good practice not to let your kids disobey you when you instruct them not to do something as this may lead to belief that authority can be overridden. 

#### Empathy: 

Encouraging your child to think about feelings of others is anther sure fire way to make sure that they think about consent. Ask them how they think their actions make others feel, especially after a disagreement. Another good way to get kids thinking about empathy is to think about facial expressions. Getting children to begin reading body language at a young age is a great way to re-enforce their feelings towards one another. 

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#### Compassion: 

Teach your children to look after and care for others who are in trouble. Always praise your child for helping others. Encourage your child to be aware of others and their feelings and notice when people are upset and try and make a positive impact. You might want to show examples of times when people should be helped and set a good example that way. However, it is also important to note that adults should not ask children to help them with things. Adults should only ask other adults to do serious things. 



#### Control: 

Teach your child that they have control over their own body and that no-one ever has the right to tell them what to do or touch. A child should never be forced to hug, touch or kiss anybody for any reason. Another way in which parents can start to help very young children take control of their own bodies is by encouraging them to wash their own genitals. It is good to show children that their private parts are private and should only be touched by them. Finally, think about giving your child control over the way they speak about their body. Encourage them to talk about their private parts by referring to their actual names. 

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Teaching Consent 

Consent Quiz 

Consent

Why is Consent So Hard to Understand?

Freyja

Understanding Verbal and Non-Verbal Consent

Maria Bettina

Teaching Consent

Freyja

Consent Quiz

Freyja

Stopping Bystanders

Freyja