Two days ago, I drove my fiancé to Heathrow.She had been with me for two months - the culmination of fifteen months not with me. All three of the longest-lasting and most serious relationships in my life have involved long distances. It's not because I enjoy it. I'm not a sucker for punishment and I'm no masochist. 

Long distance *is* pain, though. I learned how it feels when I was seventeen, and I met a girl online who was going to be my "only one". At least then, there was"only" a "one" hour drive between us. Years later, I should have known better than to fall in love with a girl working abroad. When she lost her job to a corporate restructuring programme, I lost my lover to a three thousand mile chasm crossable only by air. We messaged across the chasm - a lot - but air sent across the air is doubly empty. 

Perhaps I should have thought twice before meeting another girl when I myself decided to go over(many)seas for work.Inevitably, I had to return home. Not, though, before I had proposed to the poor creature and condemned us both to a life lived on the airwaves, broadcasting to an audience of one. One who's already heard all your tunes, seen all your bits and just wants to reach out and touch your face not made for radio. It's a strange half-loneliness of constant company battling a pipette drip of longing. Most of the time, their airy presence is enough to keep the worst of the longing at bay, but sometimes that drip-drip-drip fills up the aching chasm of x-thousand miles in your chest and no amount of video calls will close the gap. 

Four years ago, I would have told you to pack up your feelings into their luggage and forget about trying to make long distance work. I thought it spelt ruin for relationships, especially young ones. I thought it a death knell without reprieve: something you and your partner would promise each other, but only long enough for the distance itself to become an adequate excuse to break up. 

Four years later, I'm not here to hand out tips or tell you that it gets easier. It doesn't. What I am here to impart in this pink-and-positive context is that distance does not have to be the thousand-mile coffin for your relationship that you might have thought it to be. It tore an insurmountable rift between two loves and I, but three years since leaving my fiancé in her home country, she and I are as firmly stuck together as internet communication feels detached. 

The important point I want to stress is that there is no difference between the day-to-day functioning of this long-distance relationship and the preceding two. It's airy and frustrating:

"I miss you so much."

"I miss you so much, too."

It's that same mixed spice bag of being told you're loved and feeling alone, blowing kisses on camera and suffering with longing. I cried when she left me to cross the walkway bridging car park lifts with the Terminal 2 building. Not because I missed her immediately - life isn'tBridget Jones - but because I knew that before long, I would. We would be missing each other and living life inside that chasm. 

But as a couple, we're better than ever. It's not like we do anything particularly different or anything innovative. We haven't taken up online games or bought a bumper book of Questions to Fix Your Long-DistanceLove. There is nothing you can do. Long distance *is *pain. We're torturing ourselves, but until the shared life that we are busily building brings us physically together, long distance continues to be the only walkway capable of connecting our departures with our arrivals. 

If he or she or they are worth it - if what you share is worth it - then all you can do is bridge the thousands of miles torn into your heart one flight, one visa application or one lonely drive up the motorway at a time. 

Long distance *is *pain, though. Drip, drip, drip.

‍

Long Distance Relationships 

You might be asking yourself right now, what is a situationship? Essentially, it is an undefined romantic relationship. Kind of like the awkward purgatory between dating and a relationship where you're not exactly sure wtf is going on. So, how do you know when you are in a situationship?

1.  You're not sure what's going on

Are you not sure wtf is going on? Are you dating? Have you not had 'the talk'. Well, we hate to break it to you, but you're in a situationship.

1.  You don't go on actual dates

Have the actual dates stopped, but you still haven't had the talk? Situationship!

1.  Your plans are all spontaneous and inconsistent

Do they message you last minute, and keep going on about how they're super spontaneous? Situationship.

1.  You've never met their friends

Have you been dating a while, but they avoid introducing you to their friends or family? Situationship.

1.  There's no clear direction

If you are unsure about where your 'relationship' with that person is going, or you've never spoken about it, or indicated future plans then you are 100% in a situationship.

1.  You feel anxious

Are you constantly feeling anxious? Do they make you feel constantly nervous?

1.  They say they aren't serious or scared of commitment

Do they always tell you that they are 'broken'? That they are not ready for a 'relationship?

1.  The conversation is average

Does the convo suck? Are they kinda boring?

Are you in a Situationship? 

Early conversations about sex are important, as they send the message that sex is a healthy and normal part of life. It is important that you give your child/teen honest information, and keep open so they know that they can talk to you about sex. Remember, you don't have to give them all the information at once, especially when they are young. It can be a continuing conversation over time, that becomes increasingly more detailed. The good thing about talking to your child about sex is it makes other important topics easier to get into such as puberty, pornography, and relationships/dating. This will make it easier for your child/teen to understand and process larger topics. So, how and when do you explain sex to your child? Not exactly a fun or thrilling conversation is it? Here are some of our key tips:

-   It's never too early to talk. 
-   Ask them what they already know, and build off of that. 
-   Correct any misinformation that they may have.
-   Early conversations can make it easier to talk to your child later on as they become older. 
-   It will also make them feel less embarrassed about these topics. 
-   Use the correct name for body parts 
-   Have both parents involved in the conversation. When both parents are involved in the discussion, it shows the child that it is normal to talk about sexuality, and can help them to feel more comfortable talking about their bodies and sexuality. 
-   It's ok to not know the answer. If they ask you a question you're unsure about, that's fine! Explain that you are not sure, but that you will find the answer for them, and assure them that you will get back to them. 
-   Don't be embarrassed. Your child can sense if you are embarrassed talking about sex. So try not to be! SEX IS NATURAL. 
-   Talk about masturbation. It's so important that masturbation is more normalised. Let them know that it is healthy and not something to feel guilty or ashamed about. 

‍

Tips for talking to your Child/Teen about Sex

It is impossible to live in the modern world without being aware of the ever increasing role that technology plays in our daily lives. The question of whether technology is a good or a bad thing for our relationships revolves endlessly in conversation, but popular consensus seems to be coming to a halt around the view that social media and an excessive reliance on technological, rather than physical interaction is a holistically bad thing for our mental health. Whilst few would deny that an obsession over doctored instagram photos and hollow likes is a road to unhappiness, what is often forgotten is the sheer quantity and quality of relationships that we maintain easily through technology, but that could not ever have been done just a few years ago. We dislike the way in which dating apps reduce the process of dating to a selection of images and a meaningless sentence, but what we fail to give them credit for is the choice that is given to modern people when making the decision of who to date. It's not just dating apps here, its social networking and messaging as a whole. Rejecting huge numbers of candidates, or chatting with multiple strangers you don't get along with can feel like a superficial and pointless process, but ultimately these are dates you would never be going on besides. If we all see the path to finding a great fit as a process of elimination (which lets be honest, it is), then the more dates we go on, the better, right? 

The problem with this approach is that it relies on our standards and desires remaining constant, while the potential matches roll past. Issues begin to arise when our beliefs around what we are looking for start to become as drawn out and saturated as our inboxes. There is something undeniably good for the soul when making a relationship work. Putting up with people's flaws and trying to see the best in them is a quality for life, and it seems increasingly apparent that it is one we are losing rapidly. No one is saying that society functions well when people make do with people they detest, but we live in a world where the wrong hair colour or an interest in the wrong band can be enough to throw us off someone's profile, swiping them away never to be seen again. It seems increasingly that with incredible choice, comes incredible arrogance. 

We all have an idea of our perfect partner and is it the case that now, we have a better chance of finding them than we would have done before the golden age of the smartphone? One unavoidable superpower of modern technology is its ability to rekindle past relationships. We take it for granted that one can access almost anybody we have met, or chatted with, even for a brief moment with a touch of a button. If nothing else, there is something to be said for the way in which technology enables us to retain contact with almost everyone we have ever met, for better or for worse.

How has technology changed dating

When it comes to casual relationships there is a thin line between success and disaster. Disaster usually occurs when two people are not honest or respectful  about their or the other person's feelings. Freyja's got you covered with a couple key rules to help you have a more successful casual relationship. 

1.  **Self-reflection + honesty**- before deciding or entering a casual relationship you need to be honest with yourself about what you want. Make sure to continually check in with yourself and do what's best for you!
2.  ‍**Communication -** Once you know what you want, tell the other person. Make this clear so that you both can avoid any mixed signals or confusion. This will save both of you a lot of time and bullshit. 
3.  ‍**Set Boundaries -** make sure that both of you are on the same page. 
4.  ‍**Check In -** it's not enough to just have one conversation once. You have to continually check back in with the other person, to help avoid any hard feelings. 
5.  ‍**Safety is Sexy**- keep using protection and birth control. If you're in a casual relationship you gotta keep using protection,  I can't stress this enough especially if you're both sleeping with multiple people. If they try to pressure you into not using protection then throw them in the bin. No one should ever pressure you into not using protection, they can fuck a duck.
6.  ‍**Keep Seeing Other People** - you want to keep dating! That's the whole benefit and point of a casual relationship, you can see other people with no strings attached. If you don't do this you run the risk of catching the feels or putting too much importance on your 'casual' relationship. So, best to avoid that danger zone. 
7.  ‍**Don't shit where you eat** - don't have a casual relationship with anyone from work, university classes  or your friendship group. If you do that you're just asking for trouble. 
8.  ‍**Don't meet each other's Friends**- this is an important rule. Don't mix your friend groups. That can bring your casual relationship into a grey area. Plus, do you really want the hassle of having to meet their friends? 
9.  ‍**Be Flexible -** the key to a successful casual relationship is flexibility! It's also a great perk because if both of you aren't busy then you can get some much needed sex. 
10. **No Social Media** - Keep your casual relationship off of social media. Don't post any photos or stories of the two of you! That's just kinda weird. Don't be that person. 
11. **No Spamming -** keep the texting to a minimal. It's different if it's your partner then you can send them all the memes you want. But if you're in a casual relationship then constant texting by needy. 
12. **Don't linger -** after having sex it's probably best not to stay around for too long, as this can lead to deeper conversations and can blur the lines between your casual relationship and a committed relationship. 
13. **Respect -** be respectful of the other person's feelings. If the other person suddenly wants to stop the relationship, then you have to respect that. Just because it's a casual relationship does not give you a free pass to act like a cunt. 
14. **Don't Ghost -** don't suddenly ghost the other person. This is just kinda rude, espeically if you've had sex with that person. It's fine if you don't want to see them again, just make that clear. Ghosting is only okay if they've done something really creepy or strange.

Hopefully these rules help you succeed at having a casual relationship. However,  casual relationships are not for everyone, and that's perfectly okay! Here are some indicators which may suggest a casual relationship is not for you:

1.  Do you easily develop romantic feelings? Then it's probably best you stay clear of casual relationships. 
2.  Are you prone to jealousy or insecurity? Then a casual relationship may bring you a lot of anxiety. Best to avoid it. 
3.  Do you need labels? Then casual isn't for you.
4.  Do you prefer having an emotional connection with another person? Then this isn't for you and that's okay! 

‍

How to have a Successful Casual Relationship

Hello and welcome ladies to your guide for online dating. Now we all know that dating apps can be a scary place, filled with creepy men holding strange fish and trying to convince you that the gym is a personality, but there's no need to worry! Simply lower your standards, and browse mediocrity at your own discretion.

#### **Tinder: **

For all you ladies out there, Tinder is a great place to meet new and exciting penises that will be sent directly to your photo library, no questions asked! If you're really into your kinky stuff, you could also consider talking to the human being attached to the penis, but in all honesty, I think we all already know that wouldn't be worth the effort. Now remember ladies, we all know what the most important factor is when determining a mate: height. It doesn't matter if you're five foot eleven or three foot four, if they ain't over six foot then they're a beta male who isn't worth your time. This applies throughout history: Napoleon may be the most successful military genius to ever walk the Earth, but he was also short. You know what that means: beta male. I understand that this can be confusing, and so to help all you budding singles, I have developed what I call the CHEW method, which is as follows: Charisma, Height, Exceptional physique, and Wealth. No other factors matter and only the combination of the four will guarantee the perfect mate and long, healthy relationships of at least three days. Chew on that personality. Now I'm sure after about five minutes of swiping you've realized two important things. Number one, women are way more attractive on average, and number two, half the population of the male world don't seem to own a single shirt between them. Nothing screams 'I'm gonna treat you right like a topless man holding a fish.


#### **Bumble **

Bumble offers a more unique experience than Tinder, offering you the potential to receive unwanted sexual advances on a yellow background. Bumble can be intimidating as you have to make the first move. As the more emotionally intelligent and generally better-looking side of the species, this is your chance to really utilize your skills and choose the perfect hunk for you, so be sure, to begin with, 'Heyyy' (the more y's you add, the better). Now, remember, it is vital to feel insulted when they reply with 'Hello' and instantly unmatch. If this sounds like too much work for you, then simply add your Instagram handle in your description and claim that 'I'm never on this, message my insta' in order to completely bypass the entire point of the app whilst taking what little agency has been given to you and throwing it away like yesterday's leftover Chinese. 

Now that you've removed the need to do anything at all, it's time to sit back and watch the profiles fly past. 'Why's that man in a clown costume?', 'oh God, not another rower' and 'Ewwwww' are all natural responses to the peak of humanity that whizzes past your eyeline, each performing unique poses such as tensing biceps, showcasing abs or dressed in a suit adorned with his private school tie. The choices are endless and with each as tantalizing as the last, Bumble is sure to not disappoint. Unless of course, you seek a relationship (that lasts over three days or a meaningful conversation, affection, signs of intelligence, or fun.

#### **Hinge:**

Now with Hinge comes a sort of je ne sais quoi, as each hunk of man is required to at least fake a personality. For most of us, this is actually rather difficult as men are simple creatures who resent answering such personal and invasive questions like 'What's your favorite type of food' or 'Please enter your name and date of birth'. As such, Hinge requires more patience than the speed of Tinder or Bumble, but in return offers very few improvements. 

One such improvement is the ability to see everyone that likes you, which either acts as an amazing ego boost or reminds you that you will die alone and that no one could ever love you. Don't be too disheartened if it's the latter; hey, at least now you know and can save yourself sixty years of effort. Now when you do get a match (no I'm not jealous, you're jealous), remember that this is a more classy establishment and you won't receive the usual phallic image straight away. Instead, the men will feign emotional vulnerability and claim that they are too broken from an ex to invest any more time in you than it takes to enter your home and vagina before ejaculating and evacuating; as a rule, this is about thirty seconds from the start to finish. 

So there we have it, a guide that explains the true dating app experience. Nobody ever said it was easy, but in this case, I wouldn't hold out hope that the man of your dreams is your first swipe or like (or even, for that matter, your six hundredths). Good luck!

A Ladies Guide for Online Dating 

The modern world is a scary place, and meeting people has never been quicker and easier than it is today. Through the magic of the internet, you could receive sixteen unsolicited dick pics within just a few hours! Ten years ago, that'd be at least a week's work! Who ever said romance is dead? For all you budding young lovers out there, here is our step by step guide to three for the mobile dating scene: Tinder, Bumble and Hinge. 

#### Tinder:

Of course, the OG is Tinder. For guys, tinder has just a few simple steps that will grant you dating success. Step one is, of course, swiping. Now there's many different techniques to this: some people like to swipe on everyone and maximise their disappointment or really dig deep into profiles and try and identify what they look like underneath the seven layers of filters and fake tan. However, an educated and sophisticated scholar and gentleman like myself prefers to determine matches through the most logical parameter for determining relationship compatibility: star signs. As a Chad Virgo the Virgin, I know that Capricorns are the only ones for me and avoid those Sagittarius with a passion. All are acceptable techniques and really you just need the find that works best for you. 

Now once you've swiped through at least three profiles, you'll start to notice very strange looking people with names like 'Get Tinder Premium Today!' or 'Boost your matches with super swipe!'. Now, I've personally never managed to match with any of these catches and assume they must just have marginally high standards. 

The next step is to begin the conversation; now I know this is daunting but just remember, most girls are only there to advertise their insta anyway so you've nothing to lose and may as well humiliate yourself with poorly constructed and overtly sexual chat up lines that make no literal or grammatical sense. If you're struggling, here's a couple you can use:

'If seven times seven is 451 and a plane leaves Heathrow airport at nine fifteen am, will you go out with me?'

'TiramiSue, I choose you!' (For girls named Sue or Susan only).

'Hello' (Warning: highly controversial and unlikely to elicit a response).

Finally, we get to the last step: ghosting. Now it's unlikely any of you will reach this step, so well done if you have and don't get too down when your future wife doesn't reply to your witty and irreverent one liner. Ghosting is merely the final piece of the puzzle, and clearly indicates interest. Don't forget to send increasingly desperate messages begging for her attention.


#### Bumble: 

Now bumble shares a lot of similarities with Tinder but is different in several keyways. Firstly, it's called Bumble, and secondly, it's yellow. Don't be put off by this craziness though, the opportunities for rejection are equally as pertinent. 

Now one key difference is that women are required to message first, which is fantastic because you get to experience the woman who criticized and unmatched you on Tinder for opening with 'Hey' start the conversation with a scintillating 'Heyyy x', a radical new way of starting the convo that I'm sure has many of you readers drooling at the mouth and wondering why you never thought of such a witty opener (I know I am). 

Bumble has another unique feature, in that it shows you who you've matched with before they message you, which is great because it allows you to know for certain which girls only swiped on you by accident as you watch the yellow circle slowly dwindle over the hours whilst being sarcastically informed by Bumble that you can give them extra time. Instead I would advise you to do what I do instead, which involves ice cream, tears and the entire back catalogue of Kate Bush in order. 
‍

#### Hinge: 

Finally, we have Hinge, the app whose only desire is for you not to use it. requires you to answer a set number of questions that are harder to write than a master's dissertation and seem to serve about the same amount of purpose. 'Mountains or Beaches' is my personal favourite as it cleverly removes all scope for wit, intelligence and meaningful answers whilst allowing you to fulfil the minimum requirement in one word or less.

Once you have completed the tediousness of setting up your account, it will take a while to adjust to the new format; if you're like me, the first hour or so will be sent swiping on your screen wondering why everyone looks the same. You are required to press the small heart shaped symbol in the bottom corner, which is already too much emotional commitment for me and so it took six panic attacks and a constant reminder that this wasn't a contract of marriage before I liked my first person. You are also encouraged to write genuine emotional responses to the profiles of those you are interested in. Now, I know what you're thinking: emotions are for fools, and you would be right. Every guy knows that men don't have feelings and that depression was something invented by the Soviets to slow down Western production and begin a social revolution, so just fake it till you make it. My usual opener of 'do you like my biceps' has had limited responses on Hinge, although in fairness I should probably actually get some before using it. 

So, there we have it, my lonely gentleman's guide to having the best dating app experience possible.

‍

‍

A Lonely, Repressed Man's Guide to Dating Apps 

#### **How to know if an Open relationship is for you (or if it's not)**

Non-monogamy refers to relationships that enable people to have sexual and/or emotional intimacy with other people besides their primary partner. Open relationships are not easily defined, it depends on the couple, the circumstances and how they wish to define it!  More and more people are speaking about open relationships nowadays, and if that's what you and your partner want, then go for it! However, there's no one size fits all when it comes to relationships. It can be challenging to know if this is what's right for you. Luckily Freyja is here to help.

#### **How to know if an open relationship might be for you: **

1.  Identify what monogamy means to you.  Do you feel as though monogamy is not for you? You'll need to consider why monogamy may not be for you, and why you think you're interested in an open relationship. It may help to do some further reading on ethical non monogamy. 
2.  You may be suited for an open relationship if both you and your partner both believe in non-monogamy. 
3.  An open relationship may be for you if you are a good communicator. A big part of open relationships is communication.
4.  An open relationship may work for you and your partner if you have a very honest and trusted relationship. If your relationship does not contain certainty of trust then you may struggle with an open relationship. 
5.  Think about the disadvantages of open relationships. If the advantages outweigh the disadvantages then it may be for you!
6.  If both you and your partner are of mixed-orientation then you may enjoy an open relationship. This will enable both of you to explore your attraction.

#### **How to know why an open relationship may not be for you:**

1.  If you or your partner has cheated, and so you come up with an open relationship as a response, this may not be the best decision. An open relationship is not going to fix a relationship with an unstable foundation. 
2.  You may not want to enter an open relationship if your relationship is in a rocky place or close to ending. 
3.  An open relationship is not the best idea if you or your partner is prone to jealousy. 
4.  If you have a great amount of relationship insecurity. 
5.  If you are bad at communication. 
6.  An open relationship will not suit you if you are prone to dishonesty, manipulative or selfish.

If you require further resources and advice on Open relationship refer to the following: 

#### Couples Center

<a href="https://www.thecouplescenter.org/better-understanding-open-relationships-and-non-monogamy/" class="freyjabutton">Click Here</a>

#### Poly Weekly 

<a href="http://polyweekly.com/" class="freyjabutton">Click Here</a>

#### Normalizing nonmonogamy 

<a href="https://www.normalizingnonmonogamy.com" class="freyjabutton">Click Here</a>

#### Loving without Boundaries 

<a href="https://lovingwithoutboundaries.com" class="freyjabutton">Click Here</a>

How to know if an Open Relationship is for you 

Breakups are challenging. Obviously, if you're the one being dumped it fucking sucks and feels embarrassing. On the other hand,  if you're the one doing the dumping this also comes with its own set of challenges. Here are some tips to help:

1.  Don't break up with someone when they are doing an exam. I've had this happen to me before, and clearly I'm not salty about it at all! But the bottom line is don't interfere with someone's academic exams. That's a douche move. 
2.  Don't just ghost them hoping that they will get the hint. 
3.  Do not break up with someone over text or the phone (unless you are doing this for personal safety reasons). 
4.  Make sure you know why you want to break up. Remember, that it is entirely okay to want to break up! 
5.  Be thoughtful towards the over person, and think about how you will present the breakup.
6.  Do not try to make the other person feel better. Once the relationship has ended it is not your responsibility to try to comfort the other person, this may make things worse and more complicated for both of you.
7.  Don't swear at the other person whilst breaking up.
8.  Set boundaries.
9.  Acknowledge that you won't be able to control how they will react, so be prepared.
10. Allow yourself to feel how you want to feel.
11. Realise and reinforce why you are breaking up.
12. Spend some time alone. We all know those people who immediately jump into another relationship. Don't be that person, you gotta know how to be alone. You should only start dating again when you are excited about another person. 
13. Make sure you're sober. Alcohol ain't gonna make this situation better.
14. Don't wear a shirt that says it's you, not me. 
15. Accept the fact that it's going to be awkward as hell. 
16. Don't accuse the other person, say how you feel. 
17. Be direct with them. 
18. Don't go into too many details, and keep focused. 
19. Listen to the other person and be empathetic whilst setting boundaries. 
20. Think about reducing contact, as this makes healing easier for both of you. 
21. Leave if they get aggressive or rude. You don't wanna deal with that, it's not your job.

‍

How to Breakup with Someone 

#### **Key Rules for a Successful Open Relationship/Marriage:**

An open relationship cannot be blanketly defined. There are multiple factors and circumstances which make up a couples open relationship. If you are interested in an open relationship, you must set some ground rules with your partner, in order to make your relationship successful.  Keep in mind that an open relationship, just like any other relationship, will be one of trial and error, so you have to be flexible, and keep working at it! If you are already in an open relationship, or thinking about entering one, then we've got some basic rules to help you out:

1.  **Set sexual/physical boundaries -** It is essential that you and your partner discuss what types of physical intimacy you are okay with your partner having. Some couples may be okay with penetrative sex, whereas others are not. That's why in order to have a successful open relationship you must discuss these elements at the start. 
2.  **Set emotional boundaries -** setting emotional boundaries may be more challenging than establishing physical boundaries. Some couples in an open relationship are okay with their partner just having physical relationships and not emotional one's. On the other hand, another couple may be okay with both physical and emotional relationships. That's why it is vital that you and your partner set emotional boundaries. It may help to discuss if you are able to have sex without forming emotions and if not, how will you as approach this as a couple? 
3.  **Talk about Protection -** if you are having physical relations with other people then you must establish rules surrounding protection. This is a non-negotiable. Some couples may always insist on protection, whereas others may have a 6 month rule. Either way, make sure you and your partner establish a rule about this, because safety is sexy! 
4.  **Don't lie -** If you are in an open relationship you are able to have other physical/emotional relations. And so, with this level of openness there is no reason to be lying to your partner about your relationships. If you have plans to go on a date, keep your partner in the know. You are more likely to have a successful relationship if everyone is in the know, especially before becoming more involved. 
5.  **Establish who is okay to get with -** just because you are in an  open relationship does not mean that it is open to everyone. It is important that you and your partner agree who is okay to get with and who is not. Some people may prefer their partner to get with people outside of their social circle. Similarly, your partner may feel more or less jealous about you getting with certain people.
6.  **Be Respectful** - even though you may live or have children with your primary partner does not mean that you can treat your secondary partner with less respect of consideration and vice versa. Always remain mindful and respectful of everyone's feelings and stay honest! 
7.  **Determine how much time you'll spend with other partners -** You and your partner will need to agree whether you will be actively or passively exploring other relationships.
8.  **Determine Sleeping Arrangements -** Different couples will have different sleeping arrangements. If any of your partners have a family together or live together, then you may not want to bring your secondary partners home. Certain couples may have a rule that you must come home every night, whereas, others will establish a number of days of the week where you have to be home. Either way, determine what works best for you and your partner, and keep in mind this may change with time especially if you have children together. 
9.  **Establish how you and your partner define and discuss your relationship -** It can be a challenge to define your relationship. So, make sure you and your partner are in agreement on this, especially concerning how you present it or discuss it with other people.
10. **Be Flexible -** Ground rules are important, but keep in mind that you and your relationship will constantly be evolving and you may need to re-evaluate and adapt. 
11. **Check in -** This is probably one of the most important rules. Always make time to check in with your partner. See how they are feeling, and check that they are still comfortable with the relationship.

‍

‍

Rules for Having a Successful Open Marriage/Relationship 

Thanks to technology and social media, breakups are no longer as simple as they used to be. Nowadays online interconnectedness has changed how we build relationships and has forever altered our boundaries with our ex partners. It used to be a lot easier to emotionally disentangle from your ex, as you could just rip up your polaroids of them. Nowadays you're faced with the pain of having to watch their new Insta stories every day and seeing old photos and messages from your ex can be an emotional trigger that stalls your moving on process.  Sadly, we can't all afford to buy a new phone after every break up, so you gotta manually go through your phone and remove all that negative energy. 


Social media is designed and presented in such a way that we always assume that people are constantly happy. Therefore, this can be deeply problematic during a breakup if you are scrolling through  your ex's media. Indeed, when you're in the process of a breakup it can be overwhelming to know what you should and shouldn't be doing. But we've got you covered with some tips on how to digitally disentangle from your ex!

1.  **Limit your contact -** try not to message or call your ex. Also, as tempting as it may be, don't stalk them. It's not going to help you. Especially avoid the LinkedIn stalk, cause that's just a new low level. 
2.  **Muter Their account -** if you aren't comfortable deleting or blocking their number of social media, try muting it so that they are not constantly in your face. 
3.  **Deleting Photos -** this is a tricky one. Some of us will want to delete photos of our ex whereas, others may not wish to delete memories. I recommend that you look at the photos, and ask yourself how does this make me feel? That will help you decide what is best for you. In other words you wanna Marie Kondo those photos. 
4.  **Blocking/Unfollowing -** do not be afraid to block or unfollow your ex. It's your social media, you can decide who you want on it. I personally do not like to keep exes on my social media as I view my social media as a closed space for just friends. Do what makes you most comfortable, you know what is right for you.
5.  **Friends -** unfollow their friends. There is no reason you need their friends on your socials. Especially since some friends can take it upon themselves to stir the pot. 
6.  **Remove them from accounts -** make sure to kick your ex off of your Netflix, Amazon, Spotify etc. You don't want them leaching on you or knowing that you're binging a tv series instead of going out. Plus, you don't want them deleting anything or purchasing things on your account. 
7.  **LinkedIn -** make sure you remove your ex from your LinkedIn. You don't want them following your work life etc. This is an easy social to forget about, but arguably should be one of the first platforms you remove them from. 
8.  **Erase Emojis or nicknames -** get rid of any cute contact names on your phone. 
9.  **Do you really need to clear the air?** - clearing the air is a weird concept. I don't get where this has come from and why a lot of people think it's a necessity. Unless you have kids, why do you have to do it? If they aren't going to be your friend and you're not going to date them again, why go through that process. Don't give anyone the satisfaction or settle their ego. 
10. ‍**Take your time -** removing your ex digitally can be overwhelming. Bear in mind you don't have to do all these steps at once, so take your time!

‍

Mastering the Digital Breakup 

There is nothing worse than a bad first date. You'll be sitting across from them wondering 'when can I leave', or 'how does this person even exist?' When it comes to first dates we're all about spotting those red flags. Fact of the matter is, if they're being weird or showing red flags on a first date you don't wanna know what they'd be doing by date 6. 

Here are 20 turn offs that people do on dates: 

#### Being Late

okay, I understand sometimes we all run late. But if your date is over 10 minutes late to a first date that's just rude. As a punctual German, there is nothing I hate more than lateness. 

#### Bad Manners: 

Are they being rude to the waiter? Are they eating with their mouth full and elbows on the table? Either way ... no thank you. **‍**

#### ‍**Speaking over you **

**‍**Okay, this is incredibly annoying and so rude. There is nothing worse than you dating someone speaking over you. 

#### **Ex talk**

‍First dates are meant to be fun. No one wants to hear about an ex that you're probably not over. 

#### ‍**Boasting **

Is there anything worse than someone who keeps boasting about their job and achievements? There's no need to whack out the diploma, olympic medal and several references on a date. 

#### **Awkward silence**

**‍** Is there anything more awkward than sitting in silence with someone you don't know? Nothing worse than struggling to find conversation in your head. 

#### ‍**Talking too much **

**‍**Apparently some people just feel the need to present a monologue . 

#### **Phone **

If someone goes on their phone on a first date, I instantly judge them a bit. Unless it's an emergency, there is really no reason why you can't go an hour not using your phone. 

#### **Poor hygiene**

Hygiene is important. If a date looks like they haven't showered then I defo don't want to kiss them and defo don't wanna know what their downstairs situation is like. 

#### **Shots **

**‍**If a person wants to get super drunk on a first date, I look at that as a big red flag. 

#### **Lying**

Ever been on a date with someone where you can just tell they're lying? Yup, Thank u, next. 

#### Crossfit

No one wants to hear about how you found yourself in crossfit or your workout diet. 

#### **Not listening**

Sometimes when you're talking to someone you can tell they just aren't listening and honestly, no thanks. 

#### **The lad **

**‍** I've been on a number of dates where the person gets all lad like and constantly is talking about 'the boys', and their desire to drink out of shoes? 

#### **Babe**

If someone calls me babe or honey I'm out. 

#### **The stoner **

Do I really need to say anything about this? 

#### Money Talk

I find it a massive red flag if someone keeps talking about money on the first date. It's just not appropriate.

The Biggest First Date Turn-Offs

#### The 10 stages of a one night stand

We've all been there. It's one am, the nightclub is packed and you are waved. ABBA is playing, and damn you certainly are a dancing queen. Someone else appears to have realised this too. Things get heavy and suddenly you're back at their place. Much like grief, there are multiple stages that you will go through before declaring, unequivocally, that you will never have a one-night stand again (well, until next week at least).

**1: The awkward make out stage.** How much snogging is requisite before one can move onto the goods? The perfect kiss takes time to perfect, and this rushed slop fest certainly falls short. You pull away and distract him with a not-so-subtle grasping of his groin, successfully passing step one.

2:** Now comes the big reveal,** the star of the show taking centre stage. Is he blessed? Cursed? Or just distinctly average? Is Baloo living in his jungle, or has it been cleared for oil like an Amazonian rainforest (#savetherainforest)? It is time to find out, but let us not judge a fellow solely on his God given appendage: it's how well he navigates the motion of the ocean that matters most.

**3:Oh no, whiskey dick.** You are forced to sit there patiently and smile politely as he apologises profusely and claims 'this has never happened before', though you both know it has. However, once again one should not judge for the limits of biology and understand that as embarrassing as it is for you, it is ten times worse for him. This night is more than saveable, it all lies in the next step...

4: **Aaaand he's fucked it.** Four seconds of foreplay are swiftly followed by him grasping the back of your head and attempting to force it into your mouth as if he is on the set of Big Booty Bitches 5 ... just no. 

5**: Now comes his turn to shine:** you've just blown his (probably) insignificant brains out and manners dictate he returns the favour. After a minute or two fumbling his fingers through your flaps it becomes clear that he cannot conduct this particular train out of the station. Boredom overcomes you as you stare blankly at the ceiling. And for some reason he has a poster of a  cat playing with a yarn ball. Maybe he has that poster so his ladies can be reminded of what a pussy having a good time looks like.

6: **Eventually you're in position.** 'Is it in?' you ask. Judging by the look on his face, that's a yes. 

7:** Man, this guy watches too much porn.** How can you tell? Well, I think the fumbled attempts to simultaneously slap you, choke you and pull your hair were some key indicators. 

8:** Socks.** Amazing invention, we all know there is nothing like that new sock feeling. All in all, top garment, ten out of ten would recommend. But for the love of God, TAKE THEM OFF DURING SEX. Thank you for listening.

9: **'How was it for you?'** he asked, awakening you from the coma of boredom. You nod and pretend it was the best sex you've ever had because of the deep kindness and joy of your heart and definitely not so you can hurry up and leave.

10:** Uh oh. He's a cuddler.** It has become essential to escape now before he wraps you up in an unbreakable grip of drunken slumber and you are forced to spend the night. You make excuses and tell him what an amazing time you've had, and, as all men *should *do, he offers little contentastion beyond offering to pay for the Uber and wishing you well before the door finally slams and you breath deeply into the night air, overjoyed at your freedom and fundamentally disappointed at the night. Ah well, at least LoveHoney is cheap.

‍

Thoughts During an Awkward One Night Stand 

   One morning,  I was scrolling on Instagram ( as you do) and I came across some news that a very famous porn actress and her husband announcing the birth of their first baby.  While the majority of the comments seemed to be positive comments from what it seems like close friends, loyal fans, or others in the industry, I  was horrified to discover some of  the negative, foul, disgusting ,derogatory comments that seem to be recurring whenever someone from the industry announces a pregnancy or a marriage. And this goes without saying, but another observation I picked up was that the more famous the performer was- the worse the comments were.  

 
 A lot of the comments as I mentioned before are recurring.  It’s always along the lines of “ That kid will commit suicide because of all the bullying at school.” “ I feel bad for the kid “ “Do you know who the father is?”   “ That kid has so many dads/ this baby has the DNA from so many men! “  “ Poor child/husband “ These are some of the tamer ones. 

 Not only are these comments disrespectful  (and that’s putting it lightly), but incredibly ignorant.  This is one of the only jobs that would receive comments  like this- many people have  had previous sexual partners prior to the one that fathers their child. The only difference? It wasn’t recorded on camera for people to see. But they're missing the point – being a porn actress is a job- that’s it . You are an ACTOR. It has no bearing on how good (or bad) of a parent you would be, or even what you might be like in real life. It’s irrelevant.  It’s about as ignorant as the theory that if a woman has sex with multiple partners she must be “loose down there”…. except no one would make that assumption had they only had sex with one partner, had a “ respectable “ job (in other words, Not in the adult industry) - even if he happened to have a huge dick.  

“Are you worried that your child might found out/ what will you tell them ?  

   I would be lying if this didn’t cross my mind when I found out I was pregnant. That’s because when I got into the industry, I was younger and I wasn’t even thinking about marriage or children –I  wasn’t someone who always knew if I even wanted kids and marriage in the first place . But that changed with age, and because I met the right person who is now my husband.  I have been retired from shooting mainstream for almost 4 years now, but I know that I will still get these questions. The reaction when I announced that I was pregnant  wasn’t nearly as bad as some of the more well known performers ,but that’s only because I was a smaller creator with a smaller following-the reactions would be the same if not worse if I was famous so In a way I’m glad I’m not. I am also, out of my own choice very private about my personal life.  It is a boundary I will not cross now that Its been a few years.  I live a pretty low key life with my family, I very rarely drink or go out .. some may say these days I’m pretty boring. But I’m sure those who don’t know me will assume I’m having multiple orgies , and always going out because of the industry I choose to be in( nothing wrong with that- I just got it out of my system at a young age I guess..). Ask me anything about my sexual history and fantasies  but my personal life  outside the industry and relationships I will never discuss on social media in detail , but that doesn’t mean that performers who do want to do that shouldn’t. I appreciate that they are open enough to share such a personal, vulnerable experience so publicly – and they do not deserve any of the negative comments they get for it.  So to go back to that question, of course I am worried ,because why should someone be bullied for something that had no part in?  But I intend to raise my child to  make their own  judgments ,talk openly and honestly  about sex when they are old enough,  and if they do make judgments it  should be based on  if they are a good   PERSON and how they treat others  rather than their profession. Being in the industry, enjoying sex, having unconventional relationships ( like polyamory for example) and being a good person/parent are NOT mutually exclusive. Being an actor in the adult industry is legal, we pay taxes, have call times ,protocols and have scripts like any other  job in entertainment, so why does this judgment happen ?  


Lack of sex education –  For most of us , we had very little to no sex education. A lot of it comes  from watching porn which of course can be extremely damaging- because its fantasy and it’s not real. Real life sex is not like that- it is entertainment and it should be treated as such. It’s very easy to blame porn and porn actors when people are missing the bigger picture. So of course, it’s very challenging for people to separate fantasy and reality because this issue is not talked about because it’s so taboo. If porn was mentioned in sex education (and explained that it is NOT sex education ) porn should only be consumed for entertainment purposes by those  of age  and should not be used as  a guide on how to have sex.  This is something we hope to change with Freyja.

Upbringing and culture- We live in a society that sex is taboo and should be kept private. A lot of us were taught that sex should only be with  someone you love, you need to be married, monogamous and straight.  (I can assure you I’m in a heterosexual marriage but I am still very much bi sexual)  While this should be respected If you have these beliefs, humans are  complicated and what works for one person won’t work for another. As long as no one is getting hurt in the process, all parties are of age and are able to consent, why should it be frowned upon?  You are allowed to live your life differently and respect other peoples choices too. If you don’t like it? Don’t do it. Simple. 


   The list goes on, but if I listed them all this will become a novel so  let’s stop here.  It’s inevitable that in life, we will all get judged at some point. No one is immune to that. But it’s time to stop this narrative that just because we were in this line of work in the past ( or currently) that we are automatically deemed unfit as parents, or able  do to anything else , like having a job outside of the industry in the future should we want to change paths. . With any job, especially this industry it’s  important to have a separation of business and personal life, especially with your  children- because you don’t want them to discover porn before they have had any form of GOOD sex education ,  or this vicious cycle and stigma will continue.

"Cute children, ugly truths: What are the typical reactions when someone who works in adult announces a pregnancy?"

Let’s face it. Whether you like it or not, dating apps have become the main way to meet people nowadays. Apps can be a great and easy way to find a date, however, finding a date off the internet does come with some safety concerns. 

Are you talking to someone online? Is the conversation going well? Want to go on a date with them?  Here are some safety tips: 


**Step Number One: Do your due diligence **

Are you talking to someone online? Is the conversation going well? Want to go on a date with them? Well, you need to get some information first. 

Take their number. Google the number. Usually nothing comes up but in some cases it might. 
Ask for their social media. If they give you their snap chat then run. Nothing good comes out of that. Once you have their social media check if it looks legitimate. 

You might be thinking, but what if they say they don’t have Instagram? Then google them. I always recommend googling. You never know what you might find … 
I also recommend a nice LinkedIN stalk. Just remember to make sure you’re viewing in private mode. 


**Step Number Two: planning the date **

Are you ready to get some? Make sure that you never go straight to someone’s house for the first time you’re meeting them. Even if you just want a hook-up make sure you meet them somewhere public first. For example, go get a drink or coffee somewhere. If they insist on it being at their house, then bye bye. #safety is sexy 

**
Step Number three: tell a friend **

Whenever you are meeting someone off an app you MUST TELL A FRIEND. Make sure you tell your friend the name of the person, send them a photo, and share your location with your friend. Make sure that they check on you. You might think this sounds a bit extreme, but it’s better to be safe! Find my phone is your friend.  


Overall, always do some due diligence before meeting someone off an app. And if you feel even a little bit uncertain, or uncomfortable do not go. Your instincts are there for a reason and they are usually right.  


Dating app safety

Nowadays dating apps have become very much ingrained into our society, our relationships and love. However, dating apps could be doing a lot more for the safety of their users, and this raises questions over why dating apps are not hit with the same regulation as other industries. 

I started to think a lot about this when developing my own company Freyja. As you’d imagine, being a site in the adult space comes with a lot of regulation. Some of this regulation is needed and makes sense, other bits of it are a little frustrating because there are other companies such as social media or dating apps who should have the same regulation but don’t. For example, Freyja isn’t allowed an app because the app store deems adult sites ‘harmful’ and a ‘safety risk’. Okay, but then why are dating apps in the store? Dating apps are at higher risk due to the in-person meet-up. 

Let’s go over some of the ‘high-risk’ issues with apps that should be addressed, and regulations that should be in place: 

1. **Dating apps should have ID age verification.** I know that some people take issue with this for data protection concerns. However, let’s think about this for a second. Anyone can sign-up to these apps and lie about their age. This can be especially dangerous and has legal consequences if someone lies about being over 18, then goes on a date and has sex with a person that has no idea that their date is underage. Likewise, you can have older people pretending to be younger to attract young women. Therefore, for protection of all users and minors dating apps should have ID verification. 
2.**Dating apps shouldn’t allow you to send photos**. I’ve had too many instances on apps where people have sent me dick pics. I don’t think that you should be able to send photos on apps. Especially if they don’t ‘know their users’ well enough in terms of age etc. Plus, there really is just no need for sending photos on a dating app, so why encourage the dick pick?
3. **Blue check mark**  on most dating apps you have the option to facially verify. Once you facially verify you receive a blue tick. Why is this an option and not a requirement? There isn’t really a reason why this is not a requirement other than apps wanting higher user numbers. 
4.**** Show some face**** - it should be a requirement to have at least one photo of your face on your card. WTF is it with people uploading just a wall, chest or a cat. Show some face. 


These are just a couple examples of things apps could do to make them safer. But this is also a question of political regulation. For example, the UK is contemplating requiring every single user on adult sites to have an ID verification. This particular type of regulation is not great for adult sites as it tends to push people onto unregulated sites. However, this particular type of regulation would fit well for dating apps. This then raises the question, why is the same type of regulations not being imposed on dating apps? Surely if dating apps are influencing our relationships, and have the potential to put us in a dangerous situation we should all be calling for stricter regulation? 



Should dating apps be regulated? (opinion) 

What is it and where does it come from?

In psychology, there is a manipulation technique known as gaslighting, where an intended victim or members of the intended group are encouraged to doubt their own memory, perception, or sanity. The term "gaslighting" originates from the 1938 drama “Gas Light”. The play tells a story of a husband tricking his wife into believing she is going crazy by dimming the gas lights in their home. Later on, he denies that they ever brightened when the wife points it out.1 Similar to this, in a gaslighting scenario, the manipulator will fudge the facts and information, deny the events, and create doubt on the victim's memory of the events, leading to uncertainty and instability. It is a harmful and unethical behavior that can cause significant psychological distress and harm to the victim. The manipulator can do it consciously or not. 

Similarly, gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse and can have serious consequences on the victim's mental health and self-esteem but it is not always intentional or malicious. If you suspect that you or someone you know is a victim of gaslighting in a relationship, it is important to seek support from friends, family, or a mental health professional.

Gaslighting is not necessarily a sexist practice. However, interactions in gaslighting are frequently sexist in a variety of ways. Men more regularly use gaslighting, whereas women are more frequently the targets of it.2


How do you know if you are being gaslighted?3

You continually question your decisions. 
You question, "Am I being too sensitive?" every day. 
You constantly apologize to your boss, boyfriend, parents, and parents.
You frequently defend your partner's actions in front of friends and family.
You discover that you are hiding information from friends and family so you won't have to give justifications or explanations. 
Despite your best efforts, even to yourself, you are unable to describe what is seriously wrong. 
You begin lying to avoid the criticism and reality-based surprises. 
You struggle to come to easy decisions.

What to do when you are gaslighted?4

Identify the problem:The first step is recognizing the issue.
Trust your instincts: If something feels off, it probably is.
Keep a record: Write down instances where you feel like your perceptions are being questioned or dismissed.
Seek support: Talk to a trusted friend, family member, or therapist. It can be helpful to have a sounding board and someone to help you process your feelings.
Set boundaries: Let the person know that you will not tolerate being manipulated or having your perceptions questioned.
Consider ending the relationship: If the gaslighting is severe or if it continues despite your attempts to set boundaries, it may be necessary to end the relationship to protect your well-being.

Here are some resources that can help if you are gaslighted:

No More Abuse.org can guide you to find help nearby.
Family violence resources provides contacts of all the international Hotlines.
If gaslighting happens at work - your HR department may offer support.
iCALL - Initiating Concern for All, is a free psychosocial helpline, which offers counseling services by telephone, email and chat to individuals in emotional or psychological distress.5

References

Abramson, K. (2014). Turning up the lights on gaslighting. Philosophical perspectives, 28, 1-30.
Morgan, R. (2007). The Gaslight Effect. 
Stern, R. (2009). Are you being Gaslighted?. Psychology Today, 19.
DiGiulio, S. (2018). What is gaslighting? And how do you know if it’s happening to you. NBC News.
iCALL. (2023). Retrieved on 06.02.2023 from https://icallhelpline.org/faqs/.


Gaslighting Explained 

First dates can be difficult to plan. You might want to arrange a first date so that you can leave early if the two of you don't click. There's a good reason cocktails or coffee dates are so common. Second, chitchat. The finest date ideas encourage conversation so you can get to know one another better. Usually on the first date you want to get to know each other, so it is wise to choose a location where you can freely talk to each other. At the same time, you would want your date to be centered around an activity, so it is not awkward. It is better to make sure your date likes the activity you are planning beforehand. 

Here are some first date ideas you might want to consider1:

Visit a museum or art gallery
Try indoor rock climbing or a new adventure sport
Go wine tasting or visit a brewery
Play board games or have a game night
Visit a local farmers market or food fair
Have a stargazing night or visit a planetarium
Try a new restaurant or cuisine
Go bowling 
Go to an arcade 
Try an escape room

The most important thing is for you and your date to enjoy the time you spend together. Whether it is a cozy evening or an adventurous entertainment park visit - be yourself and have fun! You are more likely to experience each other's true, authentic selves and will have a more enjoyable experience if you are both invested and comfortable with each other. And if you are not a match - do not worry, there are plenty of other people to go on dates with. 



References 
Daire, A. & Grindell, S. (2022). 23 Creative and unconventional first date ideas. Retrieved on 06.02.2023 from https://www.insider.com/creative-first-date-ideas-2017-1.


Dating & Relationships

Long Distance Relationships

Anonymous

Are you in a Situationship?

Freyja

Tips for talking to your Child/Teen about Sex

Freyja

How has technology changed dating

Freyja

How to have a Successful Casual Relationship

Freyja

A Ladies Guide for Online Dating

Hans

A Lonely, Repressed Man's Guide to Dating Apps

Hans

How to know if an Open Relationship is for you

Freyja

How to Breakup with Someone

Maria Bettina

Rules for Having a Successful Open Marriage/Relationship

Freyja

Mastering the Digital Breakup

Maria Bettina

The Biggest First Date Turn-Offs

Maria Bettina

Thoughts During an Awkward One Night Stand

Hans

"Cute children, ugly truths: What are the typical reactions when someone who works in adult announces a pregnancy?"

Rina Ellis

Dating app safety

Maria Bettina

Should dating apps be regulated? (opinion)

Maria Bettina

Gaslighting Explained

Freyja

First Date Ideas

Freyja