The ‘A’ in the old alphabet soup is often neglected. There is negligible asexual representation in mainstream TV and cinema, precisely none in marketing, limited and largely negative references in medicine and, even in the best and busiest of queer book shops, the space devoted to ace and aro literature is, well, tiny. Since a lack of representation and understanding is cyclical, the first step to remedying these dismal statistics is better informing people about the existence and nature of asexuality, increasing accurate representation in the media, and to emphasise that, some people really are, in the words of Mother Monster, “Born this way”. Though essentialising (sexual) identity as something inherent and unalterable that you are born with is somewhat contrary to queer theory insofar as essentialism rests upon the ideas of fixed and static identity as opposed to the flexibility, fluidity and avoidance of binaries that queer theory advocates; when levied strategically, essentialism can be a powerful tool to unite and achieve queer goals (see, rights!) and defend against harmful and dangerous practices such as conversion therapy. In this article then I want to highlight some key facts and misconceptions about the ace community, reflect on how essentialism interacts with (a)sexual identity, highlight the need for greater varied representation and challenge the pervasive concept of compulsory sexuality.

Around 1% of the world’s population identify as asexual (Bogaert, 2004). What this means, generally, (since, as with any part of the queer community, identity and attraction are far from monolithic even among those who identify under a common term) is that a person experiences little to no sexual attraction. There are, however, as many ways to be asexual as there are asexuals, and even within the community there are dozens of more specialised terms: graysexual, demisexual, and sex-ambivalent, sex-favorable, sex-indifferent, and sex-repulsed aces to name a few. Asexuality does not mean (necessarily), that someone cannot become sexually aroused, it does not mean someone cannot enjoy sex, it does not mean that someone is celibate – this is something entirely different – it certainly does not mean that someone does not want meaningful romantic connection (though under the “A” umbrella of LGBTQIA+ such Aromantics aros, exist and thrive). Asexual simply means a person does not experience sexual attraction in the same way or to the same extent, if at all, as allosexuals (allosexuals being those who, comparatively, do experience sexual attraction). The very existence of ace/allo terminology to articulate this full range of the sexual spectrum is incredibly important, since language is the foundation of our thoughts and the framework of our communication. Without this lexicon – which has largely developed over the last twenty years since the foundation of AVEN (the Asexual Visibility and Education Network) in 2001 by David Jay – we wouldn’t have the tools to challenge the pervasive concept of compulsory sexuality. This being the idea that desire for sex is universal and the only “natural” default, and that failure to experience or desire sex is subsequently unnatural or a problem in need of fixing. Being able to find a term with which you associate and identify can not only be incredibly affirming and validating for marginalised and overlooked members of the queer community, but further, only after having linguistic tools and terms to refer to something can you create a meaningful dialogue around it and advocate for it.

This is particularly important because, since it is predominantly definable by what it is not, asexuality can be an elusive concept to those who don’t identify as such. This is why, even today, there are prevalent and perilous misconceptions about those who identify as ace which render asexuals 10 percent more vulnerable than other LGBTQIA+ members to being offered or undergoing conversion therapy - the “harmful and degrading practice” of trying to “cure” someone of their deviation from comphet (@lgbt, 2021). This statistic is telling of widely held societal assumptions of compulsory sexuality, for example that, asexuals are in some way lacking or broken and in need of fixing so that they conform to societal norms. The phrase compulsory sexuality, is similar to Adrienne Rich’s “Compulsory heterosexuality” (often now shortened to comphet) - the idea that heterosexuality is not an innate position but a political institution created and upheld to facilitate and enforce patriarchy, by rewarding conformity and punishing deviation, and as such must be challenged. However, whereas interrogating comphet challenges the socialised direction of desire, interrogating compulsory sexuality challenges the assumption of universal desire itself - this the first step to increasing ace understanding and acceptance.

To put the urgency of this necessity into perspective, a 2018 study found that members of “LGBTQIA+ youth who had undergone conversion therapy were more than twice as likely to report having attempted suicide multiple times” (@lgbt, 2021). Further, around one in three aces identify as trans or nonbinary (@asexualawarenessweek, 2019) making them even more vulnerable to marginalisation and medical misconduct. Further many people are not familiar with the concept of asexuality, resulting in the fact that many who “might otherwise identify as asexual are especially vulnerable to sexual pressure” (Chen, 2020). The concept of compulsory sexuality lies at the root of all these issues, since it insists on one single universal way to experience (hetero or homo) sexuality, creating an imagined model of normal or healthy behaviour and maintaining this through shame, patriarchal patterns of gender performance, medical judgments, and in extreme cases, conversion therapy.

The assumption of compulsory sexuality isn’t a problem confined to heterosexual discourse either. LGB communities are also liable to hypersexualisation almost as a means of overcompensating in insistence of validity in the face of so much past and present adversity. Sexual liberation, when perceived as a binary opposition to repression, can be wrongly used to insinuate that not to partake in “liberated” sex is a decision owing to failure to break free of repressive and shameful thought prisons that patriarchy encourages in women and queer people - invalidating ace experience entirely. Consequently, gay and homoromantic members of the ace/aro community are liable to feel doubly ostracised. As such, the politicisation of sex as an indicator of feminist and queer empowerment, does not resolve issues of sexual shame and stigma, it only shifts the focus of this shame onto those who for whatever reason don’t desire sex. “The goal of ace liberation is simply the goal of true sexual and romantic freedom for everyone” (Chen, 2020), as such, true sexual liberation means queering our ideas to encompass, enable and respect all choices, and normalising these free of judgement or boundaries of conformity.

It is plain to see that misconceptions and misunderstanding around the ace community are only exacerbated by the near total absence of asexual characters in popular media. The visibility brought by accurate and varied representation in media, like TV, would be invaluable to the ace community. Not only would accurate representation provide asexuals long overdue validation and appreciation, but it could provide familiar characters for them to reference when coming out, and provide allosexuals with a better understanding of the right language to use when discussing asexuality.

However, to this day, there is virtually no ace representation on screen. I can only think of Todd Chavez from Bojack Horseman, Varys from Game of Thrones, Spongebob (an icon, but why is a literal sponge the best we can do?) and maybe (HOPEFULLY) Tolya, from the Grishaverse books. There are also maybe thirty seconds devoted to an ace character in the excellent Netflix series Sex Education - but this is hardly a lot. Asexuals need some representation asap. How many coming of age or teen films can you think of where ‘getting the girl’ (or boy), or having sex, isn’t the end goal? The implication in all of these movies is that sex is cool, sex is what will make you cool, and sex is what will make you a man or woman, rather than a highschooler.

If all stories posit romantic/sexual fulfilment as the ultimate goal and unpartnered or unsexual people as losers or unhappy owing to their lack of partner, what message does this send? Such narratives, perpetuate the idea that lack of participation in sex is somehow shameful or lame, and invalidate ace experience. Just as mainstream culture is (finally) beginning to feature more representative and complex LGBTI characters, we need some varied A(sexual) representation too. This means moving (far) away from narratives of lonely third-wheelers, bitter and unwanted spinsters and “either closeted or emotionally stunted” bachelors (Chen, 2020). We need to see ace characters as varied as ace individuals are, presenting the full spectrum of ace identity and demonstrating the wealth of human experience, relationships and connection that exist beyond the realm of sex. This is especially true because, by creating characters that people can relate to and identify with, representation has the power not just to reflect, but to affect reality.

Asexuality also offers a particulalry interesting lens through which to consider the queer essentialism paradox. By nature, queerness and queer theory is all about challenging immovable and definite definitions, contrastingly essentialism rests on the pillar of an unchanging essence which defines the self. Claiming that aces (or any LGB+ people) are ‘Born this way’ is to assent that your sexuality is an innate part of your identity, it is your essence - it becomes “not merely what you do, it is part of who you are” (Chen, 2020). This idea has been encouraged by science-based research which, from the mid-20th century, has sought out a “gay gene” to prove that there is a biological reason that people are born a certain way. Asexuality, since it is also not considered the “ideal” is subjected to intensified scrutiny as to whether its origin is nature or nurture, whereas, sexuality, as too with heterosexuality, has been the assumed default, no questions asked. Several queer theorists, Foucault and Butler among them, have critiqued such biologically essentialist studies into queerness, on the basis that seeking to find biologically determinist factors only serves to create new binaries, instead of working towards an understanding of identity without them. Angela Chen has even argued that the ace movement in part developed in “opposition to this idea that sexuality must be a cornerstone of both identity and existence. Though asexuality has become a sexual identity itself, it can also be understood as a way of living that simply refuses to care about personal sexuality” (Chen, 2020).

Undoubtedly though, essentialism has certain strengths. One being, as implied by Lady Gaga in the lyrics:

Don’t hide yourself in regret Just love yourself, and you’re set I’m on the right track, baby

I was born this way.

that by subscribing to an essentialist understanding of your sexuality you can reach a level of self-acceptance founded in the innate validity of yourself, impervious to the challenges and

intolerance of a conformity-obsessed society. Such a position is particularly useful for fostering solidarity and building community when your perceived sexual identity deviates from an idealised norm - heterosexuality, specifically. The unifying potential of an essentialist outlook was noted and termed ‘strategic essentialism’ by the postcolonial and feminist theorist, Spivak. Applied to queer theory, strategic essentialism comprises the idea that it is sometimes advantageous for marginalised groups to temporarily “essentialise” themselves: stressing their group identity in order to achieve their goals, or prevent forced conformity through assimilation at best and conversion therapy at worst. For example, strategic essentializing by LGB groups has allowed them to unite, agitate and claim spaces and rights that they were previously denied. Especially because they exist further from the narrow binaries of heteronormative conformity, the TIA+ queer population need the same.

To conclude, (though really this is just an introduction!) whether or not you subscribe to essentialism, aces exist, and deserve better - both in terms of representation, visibility and defence against constant invalidation. I hope that the topics considered here prompt you to query (and queer) your perspectives on identity, the omnipresence of sex in Western society, and, indeed, asexuality. I personally believe that (sexual) identity is more fluid and unpredicatble than a theory of biological essentialism allows, however I also don’t think that the “essence” of essentialism is the enemy, rather that its application is. That is to say, that the heteronormative, amatonormative assumptions built on a foundation of compulsory sexuality that are popularly conceived of as the only “normal” way to be born, reinforced by a media monopoly, are the problem, not the idea that a person is born with a propensity to experiencing (a)sexuality in any given way. What do you think? Were you born this way?

Bibliography

@asexualawarenessweek on Instagram
@lgbt on Instagram
Barker, M. and Jules Scheele. QUEER: A Graphic History. (Icon Books Ltd. 2016)

Chen, A. ACE: What Asexuality reveal about Desire, Society and the meaning of Sex. (PUBLISHER - 2020)

Copulsky, D. and Hammack, P.L. (2021). Asexuality, Graysexuality, and Demisexuality: Distinctions in Desire, Behavior, and Identity. The Journal of Sex Research, 0(0), pp.1–10.

Desai, K. (2021). Asexual Representation in the Media: Why It’s Important. [online] HER Queer Dating App. Available at: https://weareher.com/asexual-representation-in-the-media- why-its-important/.

Gay Times (2018). There is this tiny thing making me different: I am asexual... [online] GAY TIMES. Available at: https://www.gaytimes.co.uk/life/i-am-asexual/.

Know Your Meme (2004). Asexual Cake. [online] Know Your Meme. Available at: https://knowyourmeme.com/memes/asexual-cake.

Lady Gaga, Born this way. Interscope Records. 2011.

Watson, I. (2019). The 3 pitfalls of LGBTQ+ marketing: only representing a fraction of the community. [online] The Drum. Available at: https://www.thedrum.com/news/2019/07/01/the-3-pitfalls-lgbtq-marketing-only- representing-fraction-the-community.

Wikipedia (n.d.). Timeline of asexual history. [online] Wikipedia. Available at: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Timeline_of_asexual_history.

Wilson, R.D. and Moore, N.K. (1979). The Role of Sexually-Oriented Stimuli in Advertising:

Theory and Literature Review. ACR North American Advances, [online] 06. Available at:https://www.acrwebsite.org/volumes/9530.

Born this way? Considering asexual erasure and essentialism

I am always filled with inexplicable dread when November comes. Part of it comes from the incessant rain and naked branches indicating the long dark winter is coming. But mostly, I find myself melancholic about a year on the verge of its end, and like a black-and-white film, my memories of the past twelve months play out over and over again. I long for those blissful, mundane times silently. This year, the usual melancholy came with the introduction of a new lockdown here in Austria, a place still so unfamiliar to me. As I listened to the press conferences, frustrated by the rustiness of my German, I wished to pack my bags and return home for lockdown. Strangely, I did not think of the cerulean sea I grew up next to, nor the cafes in old town Kotor, but I thought of the stuffy, box-like room in my old flat on Cantelowes Road. This is the first time in five years I cannot simply fly back to London. I still keep the expired residence permit with my passport, if anything, as a reminder of how I have changed, and who I have become. There is great pain—and perhaps a childish sense of injustice—that the self-made home, the lasting friendships and the very life I built amounts to almost nothing once this expiry date has passed. In my stories I always get tangled up between “us” and “them”, lost for which culture I belong to, which society will have me. I am no longer Montenegrin enough, but nor will I ever be considered British. I wonder, which “tribe” will have me?

The first time I noticed a change within me was upon first return to Montenegro, back in the winter of 2016. Not only was I losing the ability to catch on to the jokes and nuances of the brutal humour I once adored, I also became an “other”, jokingly referred to as ‘the English one’. With every return, that impalpable gap between my family and friends and me slowly widened—where I was becoming a guest, a visitor they knew to expect every once in a while. In honesty, their distance was not unfounded. I could only empathise, but I could no longer relate to the excitement of the latest gossip, nor could I intrinsically understand the joys or pains of daily life in Kotor. Like a pendulum,I’ve oscillated for the last five years between a sense of displacement and perpetual longing, never fully content at being either in London or in Kotor. My mindset was neither Montenegrin nor British, but rather a peculiar amalgam of the two. Entirely different in their routines and rules—or lack thereof— I felt the impulsivity and impassioned behaviour of one culture, and the reservedness and politeness of the other. There was an incredible sense of freedom in knowing, or at least thinking that I understood both. But as time goes on, I am becoming increasingly uncertain about my own identity, about what intrinsically makes me who I am. But, whilst at UCL, meeting people of all walks of life and complex family histories, I came to realise that for some the struggle over identity is a perpetual challenge, one that people struggle with their entire lives.

Living in London was an eye-opening experience : to be exposed to such diversity amongst people, to be inspired by its modern/industrial architecture, and to embrace ambition and different career possibilities, when these were quite scarce as I was growing up. Being in the city exposed me to a world in which working did not mean comfortable living, as I watched the exhausted people on bus 73 going back and forth between jobs, hustling to afford extortionate rent or pay countless bills. But I also felt incredibly comfortable in this city, I was free. I was no longer in a small town, where I knew each individual, or they knew me. Finally, I existed outside of the gaze of my family, my friends, colleagues, or random locals that liked to gossip and embellish the truth. In this sensation of freedom, I was not alone. When I look back at the conversations I had with strangers whilst queuing for coffee on campus, or at the simple student dinners we hosted, what I recall being first struck by was the overwhelming diversity of experiences, cultures and customs of those whom I met. And yet, we were united in our shared experience of young adulthood. Many had grandparents who fought wars with one another, or parents who came from completely different upbringings, and yet by a strange turn of events fell in love and had a family. Now before me stood a testament of a changing world, that for better or for worse, seems less homogenous and less conditioned by national sentiments than before. Through casual conversation, these people slipped seamlessly between two to three languages, revealing the complex nature of their own identity. Some associated their childhood with beaches in Dominica, or to a secluded village in Greek islands, but as adults, they grew into the people they longed to be, existing firmly between the corners of Gordon Square and Gower Street. There is no measurement or predictability on how a place might affect us. The realisation comes only later, once the suitcases and boxes of your life are packed, waiting on the next chapter.

On the whole, our daily lives do not permit us to think too intensely about self-identities. We are taught to fear nostalgia and avoid the uncertainty that such concepts evoke. At university, I came across many people who refused—whether intentionally or subconsciously—to internalise British culture, or to even integrate with communities other than their own. These people only inhabited restaurants and cafes that served the cuisine of their homelands, their friends were from the same countries or even cities; there were no cultural or language barriers to cross. In London, finding shadows of my native culture was a rare and infrequent occurrence. Despite this, there was incredible sweetness that emerged from being able to share a few words of my own language with someone else, a language that morphed into the countless other noises in the streets of London. Once in a Mediterranean shop, I squealed with joy when I found overpriced plazma and domacica, biscuits that I associated with home. The unexpected happiness reminded me I will always have an intimate connection to my roots—whether they show through the smells and flavours of childhood home, or the language I first learned— the visceral connections which can never be unlearned . Of course, there are those who long to know more about their ancestors, carefully saving up for a trip across the world to meet their cousins for the first time, or to feel the weight of their grandparent’s embrace, after years of this connection being filtered through devices and screens. How we all grasp for roots and for a sense of home, each in our own ways, hiding the homesickness from one another. Defining who you are, who you have become is an impalpable and ongoing process. Something excruciatingly out of reach which stretches beyond the realm of your control. Many do not even have time to think about it. And still, it fascinates me— whenever I am close to finally putting my finger on what my identity truly is, I see that it has already changed. A metamorphosis anew.

The pathway of an individual and their experiences along the way are never orderly and linear, as biographies, or autobiographies would wish us to believe.The roadmap is rarely straightforward and consists of many physical and internal changes. Migration in particular, as I came to realise through my History degree, is a ubiquitous part of humanity and our existence. Like the forces that battle within me, we as humans find ourselves constantly obliged to move and explore further, whilst simultaneously seeking to settle, to find your very own place to lay down roots. Some have spent their lives strengthening borders they have created, others want to tear them down. Today, migration is as much about exploration as it about escaping the dangers and inhabitability of a place once considered home.

I have been wondering lately what our role is in this space, as those that had the opportunities to interact, to be perplexed by, or to love people from all over the world. I sometimes felt like an unofficial ambassador for Montenegro, knowing that my words about this unfamiliar place could affect the narrative of my homeland, the images and the perceptions people could have about the region. There is incredible power in tailoring the story of places you inhabit. This is how myths and stereotypes were crafted. It is how we still perpetuate them today, the expectations we place on one another. But I still think—and I say this cautiously—we are more interconnected than we were before. Although not all, many young people have to reinvent themselves or to gain a better understanding of themselves as they navigate their futures,oftenin new places away from home and constraints of social upbringing. What role do we have in a deeply polarised world, where reinstating division and clear boundaries is more valuable than a human life? Do those of us with such privilege and opportunity to freely travel and experience places far from home, have any responsibility at all? My mind circles around these ideas on a snowy November day, slightly tormented by personal unanswered questions and lack of a clear direction of what the future holds and where I belong. And still, I feel free, I am still interconnected with people from all over the world, again reminded – I am not alone.

Where am “I” in identity ?

Dating is hard and often feels impossible. As I’ve written in many other articles I am a bisexual woman and have known I was from a young age. But, when it comes to dating I really struggled to date women, and so ended up updating more men than women. This isn’t because I find men more attractive than women, but because I didn’t know how to meet any women who were bi or lesbian. It felt like an impossible task. Where are all the gay women? That’s a question I found myself frequently asking my close friend who was also bisexual.  So, we decided to go on a quest to find women. So, where did we go? A gay bar. What did we find? Only gay men or straight women. So, we went to another gay bar in London, and the same thing happened. Then we decided to go to an event at my university for the LGBTQ+ community, but once again, all straight people. Now I’m not saying anything bad about straight women, I totally get why they want to go to those bars as they often feel safer plus it’s just a good time. But if you are a bi or lesbian woman at these events it can feel frustrating when the whole purpose of those nights out is to find another woman and you can’t even do that. It often felt very isolating and incredibly frustrating and discouraging. It is fair to say that neither I nor my friend got lucky that night. After these experiences, it was pretty evident that I wasn’t going to get lucky anytime soon. As a logical next step, I started using a dating app, only to be met with further shock and horror. Now, I am talking entirely from my experience and so am not trying to make a sweeping or generalized statement about LGBTQ+ dating. But I really dislike using dating apps to find women and there are three reasons why. 

**1. Threesomes **

There’s been a handful of times where I’ve been talking to an incredibly attractive woman for a couple of hours or days. And then suddenly she says, wants to meet my boyfriend? And turns out she was just looking for a threesome. Now, I have nothing against threesomes but c’mon lead with that so it’s clear and not misleading. If I had a dollar for every time that happened I could probably have funded my company myself. 

**2. The Bi-curious**

I have nothing against people that are bi-curious, and it’s great that you are or want to explore your sexuality. However, in my experience when I talk to these women on apps, they tend to either not reply to you at all, or never want to actually meet, so ya … 

**3. Distance**

A lot of the time on apps if you find another woman they’re MILES AWAY. So, ya that kinda just ruins it. I’m not sure how to meet more women, or if there’s an easier way. Maybe I’ve just been doing it wrong. But I kind of wish that there were more gay bars specifically for women and not just men. That would definitely have made my experience a hell of a lot easier. 





The challenges of Bisexual dating (opinion piece) 

Scissoring isn't a thing. Queer sex ed 101 with Imogen Fox

Pornography can be a great thing. Most of us have incredibly bad/inadequate sex education. For me, my sex education consisted of a video of a woman giving birth and then a girl passing out on our scary maths teacher, and if I’m being perfectly honest I still don’t know how to put a condom on. So, for me everything I learnt about sex was from pornography. I don’t remember how I first came across pornography, I don’t know if I explicitly searched for it or if I came across it. I think I googled the word orgasm which I heard at school, and wasn’t sure what it was. After watching porn for the first time I  remember googling what is the difference between sex and an orgasm. 



Anyways, from about 14 I already knew that I was bisexual. However, as a bisexual woman I’ve faced some issues with pornography. I think that it is fair and honest to say that  a lot of my sex education came from pornography, as my sex ed at school didn’t exist. However, my sex education when it comes to sleeping with women couldn’t be learnt from pornography in the same way. Now, before I go into the reasons for this, it is important to note that I am not anti-pornography, that would be kinda insane as the CEO of a sustainable adult entertainment platform. But as in any industry, there are a number of issues in the adult industry especially concerning some types of content, representation and the influence that it has on our ideas of sex. And that is something that we as users, companies and performers have to take in stride. I am also not trying to generalize, this is based solely on my experience growing up. So, here are the issues that I found when viewing lesbian pornography: 



Firstly, even though lesbian porn is one of the most popular categories out there, it isn’t made for lesbians and quite often it is not even made by lesbians. Rather, the porn itself is targeted towards men’s fantasies and is often unrealistic of actual lesbian sex. I had a big shock when I slept with a woman for the first time and thought that scissoring was actually a thing. So, in that regard due to who lesbian porn is targeted as I personally have found it less ‘educational’ or informative than heterosexual pornography. 



Secondly, another  thing in lesbian pornography is that it leads to a massive fetisation of lesbians, and threesomes. Now, what’s the problem with that you might be thinking? Well, it’s not that there’s an issue with non-lesbian or bi people consuming this content, it’s more an issue of this content is made for a fetish and not necessarily for members of that community. This then in turn has consequences in everyday life. I think that there is definitely a coincidence between this and men constantly wanting threesomes when they hear I’m bisexual. This sounds harmless at first, but comments like that have majorly effected me in my sexual identity and made me feel nervous and scared to even share the fact that I’m bisexual. So, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t consume LGBTQ+ content, I’m just saying that we all need to be a lot more aware about the effects that fetisiation can have, and that it’s not exactly always appropriate to assume that someone wants to have a threesome with you because you are a bisexual woman. 



I think that a way to reduce some of these issues, and to make the content better + healthier is that we need more content that is produced specifically for the LGBTQ+ community, and not for ‘men’ and their fantasies. I wish that growing up we had more performers who specifically tailored towards this community, and shared educational tips. But, I think that’s what’s great about the new private content model in the industry is you can search for those types of performers. Likewise, with the rise of social media it is definitely easier to find educational content, but it still needs to be more widespread, in schools and also porn companies, studios and performers need to think about the influence that fetisisation content can have on young LGBTQ+ people and their identities.



Learning about lesbian sex from porn 

 In my mother tongue, Finnish, there is common to use one word only when speaking about human sex and its social or identity dimension. Instead of separate terms for the biological and social aspects, I consider that one word would define it more precisely because it is impossible to determine the boundary between biology and sociology exactly when studying human beings. 



Doctors invented the idea of gender in the 1960s when they wanted to perform non-consent surgery for intersex children's genitalia. They tried to convince parents that gender is something we learn by nurture, and they were convinced with the idea of gender that parents can raise children of the chosen gender. Doctors have performed these operations until nowadays without consent by 'patients' even in cases with no medical reasons for operations. 



Jemima Repo, lecturer in the politics of gender at Newcastle University, explained in the article Unlearning Gender the problematic history of gender-term. Repo writes how the feminist movement adapted the doctors' invention of gender to challenge the idea that women and men were naturally destined to act and exist differently. Repo writes, "...if gender roles were actually learned, the women's liberation was possible through the overthrow of the social and cultural structures, norms, and practices that reproduced women's subordination." 



The idea of gender sounds disgusting because I heard from several feminists that gender dysphoria is caused by society. – The fact is, sexual orientation and sex identity are both natural-born, even there are some social differences in different cultures. 



I also consider that the discussion about equality has become complicated after defining hundreds of genders because it is difficult to count them all when designing our society equally.



 I have forgotten in many cases the idea of gender and define myself on the spectrum of male-female typical sex characteristics, as it exists in nature – I like to say for example, "I am a feminine human, with both sex characteristics", but as a porn actor, I feel pressure to label myself in gender-category. 



I make porn in the shemale-category and always preferred the shemale term more than the transgender term. Trans-terms sounds even offensive to me because it is based on the outdated notion of biological sex, either male or female; Transsexual meant jumping from one category to another. 



However, sex reassignment therapy is sliding towards another sex characteristic instead of jumping from the box to the opposite.



 Shemale is not the best option to define gender, but for me, it is a hundred times more pleasant than any trans-term or another gender category like male/female/etc.



 I wish to see our societies without gender at all, just by defining our sex on the spectrum of male-female typical traits – in a way, everyone has unique characteristics of those both sides. 





Read more: • Sex is a spectrum by Claire Ainsworth, Nature • Unlearning Gender, Jemina Repo, The Philosopher, vol. 107, no.



Do we need the term gender at all? 

There are a lot of misconceptions about bisexuality. Now, I don’t want to come off as though I’m speaking for all bisexual people, I can only speak from my own experience. But, personally dealing with these misconceptions is something that I have struggled greatly with and sadly, made me feel uncomfortable in telling anyone that I was bisexual.



I first realised that I was bisexual around 13 years old. But I didn’t start to tell anyone until I was about 18 years old. I was happy to tell people finally, and did so with ease. I found that ‘coming out’ wasn’t the hard part for me, but everything that followed with that. That being the misconceptions and assumptions that people suddenly had about me when I told them that I was bi. Before going into the misconceptions that I’ve experienced, I’d like to note that this is solely based on my experience, and I do not speak for all members of the bisexual community. So, what are some of the annoying misconceptions that I’ve faced:



**Disbelief  **


This is get a lot, and it pisses me off. There have been a handful of times where I tell someone that I am bi and they say: ‘well you don’t look bisexual’, and then they look at you with misbelief as though you are lying or something. I also had one guy recently tell me that I must be pretending that I am bi in order to get attention or to appear trendy. My god…. Can’t even comment on that statement.



**Threesomes**


Oh the classic misconception where people assume that just because you are bisexual that you will automatically want to have a threesome with them. I’ve had a number of men I’ve dated suggest this, and let’s just say never went on another date with them again after this. I also had a shock when I downloaded a dating app for the first time. I would match with some women, and start a nice conversation. Then after about 20 minutes worth of messages, they ask if I want to meet their boyfriend. Now, no judgement here if you want to explore or have a threesome, but my god it is very frustrating when you just want to go on a date with a woman and it feels like ever person you match with just wants that.




**Open relationship confusion**


Now, an open relationship is something entirely different from bisexuality. However, for some reason some people confuse it. Don’t really know what to say to that, other than IT’S NOT THE SAME THING.



**Greedy**


Some people will call bisexual people ‘greedy’, claiming that they are ‘greedy’ because they want to date both women and men. Bisexuality has nothing to do with being greedy. Bisexuality just means that you are attracted emotionally and physically to both women and men. Nothing greedy or indecisive about that.




**‘It’s a phase’**


If I had a dollar for every time I heard ‘it’s a phase’ then I could probably have funded FREYJA myself. I distinctly remember this one guy I had gone on three dates with. I told him I was bisexual and he said ‘oh … well I guess it was just a phase right? You’re no bisexual now are you?’ My Hannah Montana pjs were a phase, not my bisexuality.




**Fetisisation**


I’ve had some people get overly excited when they find out that I am bisexual, thinking that it is appropriate to ask me how many women i’ve slept with, and how many women I’ve dated. Yup, this misconception really possess me off. I recently had one man in my building say to me: ‘tell me what you do to these women in bed?’ ummm that is no one’s business, and an inappropriate thing to say. Bisexuality is not something that you can or should just fetishise.



**Does this mean you’re gonna cheat?**


For some people, they think that because you are bisexual, that you are going to cheat on them. This is just a massive and unfair misconception. I think that my ex-boyfriend phrased this nicely: ‘well, I don’t care if you're bisexual or not, the chances of you leaving me for a woman are just as equal as the chances of you leaving me for a man, so that insecurity surrounding bisexuality is illogical.’ Cheating is not inherent to bisexuality, so people need to stop it with this misconception. This is not something that should make you insecure, and it is grossly unfair to place this insecurity on your bisexual partner.



**What percentage are you?**


This is probably one of the most common misconceptions. I am constantly asked by friends and dates what percentage bisexual I am. I honestly just don’t even know how to answer that, or ‘grade’ that, and why do I have to? I just don’t reply to that anymore.




These are just some of the most notable misconceptions I’ve faced. But, I’m sure that there are many more, and other people have a number of stories and experiences with these myths. It’s important that we as a society confront these misconceptions, and educate ourselves on the truth of bisexuality, be that in the school, or just doing research online to self-educate. You may not think that these misconceptions are harmful, but they really are. Indeed, for a period of time these misconceptions upset me so much to the point that I was too nervous to tell anyone that I was bisexual and felt the need to try to hide it. Misconceptions are dangerous.

Misconceptions of bisexual women 

Podcast: Representation in Sex education. With Hugh O'Keeffe

I was talking to a close friend of mine the other day. He had just come back from a sex store in Finland, and I asked him excitedly 'how was it? I haven't been to one here yet.' He said that it was okay, but that he was a bit surprised because when he was looking around at all of the toys it felt very gendered or just heterosexual. Apparently they didn't even stock anything for douching, and that the only toys 'marketed' towards gay men was for fisting, which he found very surprising.

This made me think a bit about sex toys and marketing. Sex toys are a great thing. The first thing I did when I moved out and lived by myself, was buy a vibrator. But the more I think about it, the more I do find the marketing around toys incredibly annoying and frustrating. Every time I've gone on a site or I've gone into a store I've found that everything is pink, purple and sparkly. Now, I don't have anything against pink, indeed, my apartment is stereotypically mostly pink. But there is something condescending about the marketing of vaginal sex toys and they are also incredibly unrepresentative of the LGBTQ+ community as quite often the marketing implies/infers that the toys are for heterosexual. In addition, if you look at the packages, it's often only a hot skinny woman on the packages, and doesn't represent most body types and is un-diverse.

When I refer to these toys, I'm purposely saying 'vaginal' and not 'women's sexy toys' because that's how I believe we should be marketing these toys. There is not reason to have such gendered sex toys. We shouldn't market it just for women, just say it's for vaginas! When you think about it there really is not needed for such gendered sex toy marketing, sex toys are sex toys, people with penis' use them and people with vaginas, and we all use them for pleasure. Now, so far I've spoken a lot about vaginal sex toys, as that's what my experience has been like. After speaking with a number of my friends who are apart of the LGBTQ+ community, they seemed to have negative experiences in sex stores due to the fact that they felt as though they were not represented in the store, and that even though in technical terms there were 'toys for them', it felt as though there were not due to the layout of the store, the assumptions that everyone is straight, as well as the colour coding and packaging.

So, how can this change? It clearly needs to. Sex toy companies need to think more about their marketing. Toys do not have to be so gendered or unrepresentative, as they're for everyone! The models used on packaging also need to represent the people who use these toys, and sex stores need to think actively about how they layout their stores, to not be exclusionary or assumptive.

Are sex toys representative? 

**Agender** - refers to a person who does not identify with or experience any gender. This is different from non-binary because many non-binary people do experience gender.

**Ally **- this term relates to an individual who supports the LGBTQ+ people and community. This can include people who are heterosexual and cisgender people as well as members of the LGBTQ+ community who support and advocate for others in their community.

**Androgynous **- having physical elements of both femininity and masculinity, whether expressed through sex, gender identity, gender expression, or sexual orientation.

**Aromantic** - an individual who does not experience romantic attraction., aromantic people can experience sexual attraction. Aromantic people exist on a spectrum of attraction and describe their place within that spectrum.

**Asexual**- an individual who does not experience sexual attraction. Asexuality is a sexual orientation that does not necessarily entail specifically chosen behaviors. Asexual people exist on a spectrum of sexual attraction.

**Bi-curious**- a person who is interested in exploring their attraction to people of a variety of genders. Use this term only when self-identifining, don't impose or assume it about another person.

**Bigender**- a person whose gender identity embodies two genders or moves between genders. Genderfluid is another common term used.

**Binary -** someone who fits into the gender binary.

**Binding**- this is when an individual will tightly wrap their chest to minimize their breast appearance. Unsafe binding can result in health issues and breathing problems.

**Bisexual** - Persons who are attracted, romantically, emotionally, and/or sexually to people of more than one gender. This might not be at the same time or in the same manner or at the same level. You don't have to have equal romantic or sexual experience/attraction with people across all genders.

**Cisgender** - an individual whose gender identity aligns with the one the sex that they were assigned at birth.

**Closeted**- someone who is not open about their gender identity or sexual orientation.

**Demiromantic** - an individual who experiences romantic attraction but only after having formed an emotional connection.

**Demisexual** - an individual who experiences sexual attraction only after forming an emotional connection.

**Demi boy**- an individual whose gender identity is partly male, regardless of their assigned sex at birth

**Demi girl -** an individual whose gender identity is only partly female, regardless of their assigned sex at birth.

**FTM/F2M:** this is an abbreviation of female to male; a transgender man.

**FTX/F2X:** this is a gender-expansive person or a genderqueer who was assigned female at birth.

**Gay**: a person who is romantically, emotionally, and/or physically attracted to someone of the same gender.

**Gender:** gender is used to describe the characteristics of women and men that are socially constructed.

**Gender Binary**: this is the disproven concept that there are only two genders and that everyone 'fits' into one.

**Gender Expansive:** this is an umbrella term that is used to describe someone who expands notions of identity and gender expression beyond the societal gender norms. Gender-expansive people might feel that they are among genders on a spectrum or beyond the binary paradigm.

**Genderfluid**: a person who may move among genders and does not adhere to one fixed gender.

**Gender Identity:** Gender identity does not correspond to biological sex. Gender identity is one's inner feelings of whether they are male, female, both, or neither.

**Gender-neutral:** a person who is not gendered. A person who experiences no gender may be agender or neutrois.

**Gender nonconforming (GNC):** someone who does not follow gender stereotypes.

**Genderqueer:** Someone who does not follow binary gender norms.

**Heteroflexible**: a straight person who is attracted to people of a different gender, but also experiences attraction to people of the same gender of them.

**Heterosexual**: a person who is romantically, physically and or/emotionally attracted to a person of a different gender.

**Homoflexible**: a gay person who is attracted to people of the same gender but also experiences attraction to people of other genders.

**Homosexual:** this is a term that is used to describe lesbian, queer or gay people. This term can be offensive, depending on how it is used.

**Intersex:** People who are biologically between the medically expected definitions of male and female. Intersex is about biological sex, it is distinct from sexual orientation and gender identity.

**Lesbian:** this term refers to a woman who is physically, romantically, and or/emotionally attracted to other women.

**Misgender**: this term refers to someone who uses a word, pronoun of any form of address that does not correctly reflect their gender.

**Nonbinary**: this term refers to people who are not gender binary. They might exist between or beyond the woman-man binary.

**Omnisexual:** this term refers to a person who is physically, emotionally, and or/ romantically attracted to people of any gender and who notices their partner's gender.

**Pansexual:** this term refers to a person whose emotional, romantic, and/or physical attraction is to people inclusive of all genders.

**Polyamorous**: this term refers to people who have the desire for multiple consenting intimate relationships simultaneously.

**Transgender:** This term refers to a person's gender identity that does not necessarily match their assigned sex at birth. Transgender people may not alter their bodies surgically or hormonally to match their gender identity. This word is an umbrella term.

**Transmasculine**: an AFAB person who is closer to masculinity than feminity but is not a binary man.

**Transsexual:** this term refers to people who consider or use medical interventions as part of the process of expressing their gender.

LGBTQ+ Term Glossary

#### What is Pansexuality? 

It is defined as "someone who is attracted to anyone regardless of their sex identity or gender identity,"Pansexuality does not mean you are attracted to everyone, it's more accurate to think of it as someone who is open to being sexually attracted to anyone.A number of people who identify as pansexual will describe themselves as being attracted to people based on personality, an character rather than gender. This means they could be attracted to someone non-binary, binary, male, female or any other gender. Pansexual can be used as a noun or an adjective to describe a person who is pansexual.

#### Understanding Pansexuality:

Is it the same as panromantic?

Pansexuality is often used alongside the term panromantic, but the two are not the same. Panromantic refers to someone who is *romantically *attracted to people of all gender identities, whereas pansexuality is about sexual attraction.

#### Pansexuality vs. Bisexuality:

Sometimes pansexuality is used as a synonym for bisexuality, but they are subtly different. Pansexuality is part of the Bisexual Umbrella, meaning it's one of many identities in which someone is attracted to more than one gender. According to GLAAD, identifying as bisexual means you're attracted to more than one gender, while identifying as pansexual means you're attracted to people of more than one gender, or regardless of gender. So the two overlap quite a bit. But what it means to be bisexual or pansexual is also largely up to the person who identifies that way. As with any sexuality, whatever word feels best is best.

#### How to support your child/teen:

What to do:

1.Listen to your child. They know more about this than you o.

2.Try to understand. It may not make sense straight away but make an effort to understand.

3.Do your research

4.Be respectful

5.Accept them

6.Let them know how brave they are being

What not to do/say:

1\. Do not get angry\
2.Do not try to fix it\
3\. Do not tell them it's a phase\
4\. Do not dismiss it\
5\. Do not forget about it\
6\. Do not tell anyone without your child's permission



#### Resources: 

[HRC](https://www.hrc.org/)

[‍GLAAD ](https://www.glaad.org/tags/pansexual)

[‍Proud Trust ](https://www.theproudtrust.org/)

Pansexuality 

#### What is Asexuality? 

Asexuality is when someone does not, or rarely experiences sexual attraction. You can be asexual and still have romantic attraction. If you do not have romantic attraction then you are aromatic or aro. Some may be ace, some can be aro and some are both. Remember, there is no one fit for being asexual. Some feel sexual attraction only once they establish a close personal bond to someone (demisexual), and others may rarely experience sexual attraction (graysexual). This can all depend upon the person.

#### Key points to keep in mind:

-   When we think about attraction we often think about the gender or genders of people that we find ourselves attracted to. However, when it comes to education we need to think about the different ways in which we might experience attraction. 
-   Attraction is usually defined by: sexual attraction, aesthetic attraction, emotional attraction, and romantic attraction. 
-   Remember, just because a word may be new, does not mean that the concept itself is new.
-   Everyone uses words differently. 
-   Everyone has the right to self-identity and not be labeled by others. 
-   Asexuality is about little, low, or no sexual attraction. It is not about what you have or have not done sexually. 
-   One may identify with asexuality once they learn about it while others may take longer to become identified with the term. 

‍

#### **Key Definitions:**

**Asexual**= a word that someone who does not, or rarely, experiences sexual attraction might identify as or with.

**Aromantic**= is a word that someone who does not, or rarely, experience romantic attraction might identify as or with.

**Aromantic** = is a word that someone who does not, or rarely, experience romantic attraction might identify as or with.

**Demisexual =** someone who experiences sexual attraction, but only once an emotional bond has been established.

‍

#### What to do when your child/teen tells you that they are Asexual? 

‍

**Listen to your child.** They know more about this than you do.\
‍

**Try to understand.** It doesn't all have to make sense right away, but what's important is that you make an effort to understand.\
‍

**Do research.** If you don't understand something, or have questions you don't feel comfortable asking your child, or if you simply want to know more, then spend some time to look up what you want to know.

‍

**Treat asexuality with respect.** Asexuality is not imaginary, it's not a "teenage thing", it's not a punchline. It's an integral part of your child's identity. If you disrespect asexuality, you're disrespecting your child.

‍

**Accept them.** This is important to them, and it's important for them to know you care.\
And most importantly: **Love them.\
**

‍

Your child/teen may come out to you again. Just because they say they are asexual does not mean they have disclosed who they are attracted to or their gender identity.

‍

#### What not to do:

‍**Don't get angry.** There's nothing to get angry about. Getting angry over your child being asexual is like getting angry that your child wears size 9 shoes or has brown eyes. Getting angry about it will only alienate your child.

**Don't try to "fix" it.** There's nothing to "fix". The APA recognizes asexuality as a valid orientation in the DSM-5. Sending your child to a therapist to "cure" their asexuality would, at best, be a complete waste of money, and, at worst, be a horrifying, traumatic experience.

**Don't try to convince them that they're wrong.** Trust that your child knows how they feel and what they're thinking.

**Don't dismiss it.** If your child says that they're asexual, that means it's important to them. Brushing it off will tell your child that you don't care.

**Don't "forget" about it.** If your child has to remind you that they're asexual at some point down the line, it shows them that you're not interested in their life. You don't have to remember all the terminology and all the specific details, but you do have to remember that they are asexual and what that means.

**Don't tell anyone else without your child's permission.**

‍

#### Resources: 

[The Trevor Project ](https://www.thetrevorproject.org/trvr_support_cent%20er/asexual/)

[What is Asexuality?](https://www.whatisasexuality.com/)‍

[The Proud Trust ](https://www.theproudtrust.org/)

[The Be you Project](https://thebeyouproject.co.uk/resources/)

[PFLAG](https://pflag.org/loving-families)

Asexuality Parental Toolkit 

#### SUPPORT

For Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Trans people telling someone they're LGBTQ+ can feel like sharing their biggest secret, and not knowing if the person they're going to tell will understand it, keep it private, or if they will still be friends with them once they've said it. Being a parent is about celebrating and raising your child, not the child you thought that you would have. Even if you are having trouble understanding your child's identity or feelings, not withdrawing from your role as a parent is probably one of the most important ways to help a child continue to feel a sense of being cared for and accepted. Feeling loved has been shown to be critical to the overall health and development of all children regardless of gender or sexual orientation. Many parents do need their own supports to help them understand and cope with their own difficult emotions and concerns during a child's "coming out. Family support can play an important role in a number of ways, it can:

-   Play an important role in advocating for safe spaces where their child can explore interests without judgment or stereotypes.
-   Support diverse friendships and social involvement without focusing on expectations around gender.
-   Provide exposure to people working and enjoying activities outside of conventional gender expectations.
-   Engage in conversations and check regularly with your children about their interests, friend groups, romantic attractions, and any bullying or teasing that may be taking place.


#### What not to say:

When your child/teen comes out to you there are a couple of things that you should avoid saying (but not limited to):

1.'you're just confused'

2\. 'You are going through a phase'

3.'You don't look or act lesbian/gay/bi/trans'

4.'I always knew you were LGBTQ+

#### What to do before someone comes out:

1.Don't judge people, create spaces where people can be themselves. 2.Challenge homo/bi/transphobia when you see or hear it.\
3.Talk about LGBTQ+ people and celebrities in a positive way.\
4.Get the Knowledge. Read up on a number of available resources.

#### When someone comes out:

1.Don't overreact or make a big deal of it.\
2.Thank them for trusting you, let them know you won't tell anyone without their permission. 3.If someone comes out to you as trans, ask which pronouns they prefer.\
4.Don't ask rude or overly personal questions.\
5.Remind them you're there for support.\
6.Don't compare them with others or make assumptions.\
7.Offer to help them find resources.


#### UNDERSTANDING GENDER IDENTITY

Your gender identity is how you think about yourself. This is the gender that you identify with and/or feel that you are. Some people feel as though they do not have a gender at all, and may refer to themselves as an agender or non-gendered

#### What is the definition of non-binary?

Most people -- including most transgender people -- are either male or female. But some people don't neatly fit into the categories of "man" or "woman," or "male" or "female." For example, some people have a gender that blends elements of being a man or a woman, or a gender that is different from either male or female. Some people don't identify with any gender. Some people's gender changes over time. People whose gender is not male or female use many different terms to describe themselves, with **non- binary **being one of the most common. Other terms include **genderqueer**, **agender**, **bigender**, and more. None of these terms mean exactly the same thing -- but all speak to an experience of gender that is not simply male or female.

#### How to be respectful and supportive of non-binary people:

You don't have to understand what it means for someone to be non-binary to respect them. Some people haven't heard a lot about non-binary genders or have trouble understanding them, and that's okay. But identities that some people don't understand still deserve respect.\
Use the name a person asks you to use. This is one of the most critical aspects of being respectful of a non- binary person, as the name you may have been using may not reflect their gender identity. Don't ask someone what their old name was. Try not to make any assumptions about people's gender. You can't tell if someone is non-binary simply by looking at them, just like how you can't tell if someone is transgender just by how they look.If you're not sure what pronouns someone uses, ask. Different non-binary people may use different pronouns. Many non-binary people use "they" while others use "he" or "she," and still others use other pronouns. Asking whether someone should be referred to as "he," "she," "they," or another pronoun may feel awkward at first, but is one of the simplest and most important ways to show respect for someone's identity. Advocate for non-binary friendly policies. It's important for non-binary people to be able to live, dress and have their gender respected at work, at school and in public spaces.\
Understand that, for many non-binary people, figuring out which bathroom to use can be challenging. For many non-binary people, using either the women's or the men's room might feel unsafe, because others may verbally harass them or even physically attack them. Non-binary people should be supported by being able to use the restroom that they believe they will be safest in.Talk to non-binary people to learn more about who they are. There's no one way to be non-binary. The best way to understand what it's like to be non-binary is to talk with non-binary people and listen to their stories.

‍

#### UNDERSTANDING GENDER EXPRESSION

Gender expression is how you display your gender and is demonstrated through the ways that you act, dress, behave and interact in the world, in relation to the gender expectations of society. Essentially, gender expression is how a person presents their gender outwardly, through behaviour, clothing, voice or other perceived characteristics. Society identifies these cues as masculine or feminine, although what is considered masculine or feminie changes over time and varies by culture. Understanding biological sex:

Biological sex is usually determined by birth, based on observation of your genitals. Nevertheless, your chromosomes, hormones, genes and internal sex organs can also contribute to the make-up of your biological sex.

Understanding Sexual Orientation

The types of people, usually based on gender, that you find yourself attracted to, can help you determine your sexual orientation. Attraction can be emotional, sexual, physical, and/or spiritual. Some people experience little or no sexual attraction and may refer to themselves as asexual. Here are some key definitions to help improve your understanding:

-   Lesbian = a woman who is emotionally, romantically, and/or physically attracted to other women.
-   Gay = A person who is emotionally, romantically, and/or physically attracted to people of the same gender
-   Bisexual = an individual who is emotionally, romantically, and/or physically attracted to people of their own gender and different genders.
-   Trans = An umbrella term describing a person's gender identity that does not necessarily match their sex given at birth.
-   Pansexual = refers to individuals who are attracted to all gender identities, biological sexes, romantically or sexually.
-   Asexual = a person who has no sexual feelings or desires, or who is not sexually attracted to anyone.

#### Resources

Below is a list of further resources for parents:

[Arms Out ](https://lancslgbt.org.uk/2020/02/28/arms-out-family-support-group/)

‍[Manchester Parents Group](https://www.theproudtrust.org/manchester-parents-%20group/)

[FFLAG ](https://www.fflag.org.uk/)

‍[Proud Trust](https://www.theproudtrust.org/)‍

Coming Out Parental Toolkit

#### What is gender?

Gender is a spectrum. Gender refers to the characteristics of women, men, girls, and boys that are socially constructed. This includes norms, behaviours, and roles associated with being a woman, man, girl, or boy, as well as relationships with each other. As a social construct, gender varies from society to society and can change over time.

#### What is the relationship between gender and sex?

Sex and gender can be related. This expectation that you are assigned female at birth, you are a woman and that if you're assigned a male at birth you are a man. This lines up for people who are cisgender. However, but for people who are gender non-conforming or transgender the sex they are assigned at birth may not align with the gender they know themselves to be. They may identify with a different sex than what they were assigned at birth. The fact is, the concepts of sex and gender are social constructs. Therefore, we as a society assign sex and gender to people baed on characteristics that are socially agreed-upon.

Children pickup on gender from the day they are born. Most children will start to identify strongly with a gender around the age of 3. Indeed, society often tells them how they are meant to look, dress, act and speak as a female or male and people/cultures have different beliefs when it comes to gender stereotypes, roles and expressions. You want your child to know that they can feel free to express themselves no matter what their gender. As a parent, you must also be careful about your choices of toys, books, clothes and decorations for your child. This is because all of these choices have an influence on their understanding of gender and what it means. Try to give your child lots of choices, and see what they prefer. In addition, also be careful about how you talk. You want to avoid sweeping statements like only boys can do this etc. You also don't want to assume your child's sexual orientation. This is super important so that your child feels they can come and speak to you about anything. 

‍

![](https://uploads-ssl.webflow.com/6151f3071aebcd1b20156ba1/616040893a9e49244ac47952_dainis-graveris-lpyHSTHO7LM-unsplash.jpg)

#### How do you know if your child is transgender or gender nonconforming? 

Gender nonconforming means that your expression or gender identity does not go along with the traditional ideas of just female or male. This could mean you identify with words like gender queer or non-binary. Moreover, transgender means you identify with a different gender from the one you were assigned at birth.

As a parent, it can be hard to tell if your child is transgender or gender nonconforming. Here are some tips to tell:

1.  They don't go back and forth about their gender. They clearly identify with one particular gender identity. 
2.  They are persistent. This means they are persistent in how they identify themselves over time.
3.  Your child feels strongly about their identity and will get upset if they are told that they are not the gender they say they are.

If you think that your child is gender nonconforming or transgender then you should try to speak with a therapist or counselling service who can help support families with LGBTQ+ identities. You should also ask your child directly about their gender. Ask them how they feel and identify. If they are gender nonconforming or transgender then you should let them dress how they want etc. as this will make them feel like they can talk to you and make them feel safe and comfortable.

#### Book Recommendations

**Are You a Boy Or Are You a Girl? Sarah Savage & Fox Fisher**

**The A-Z of Gender and Sexuality: From Ace to Ze. Morgan Lev Edward Holleb**

**Be Who You Are! Jennifer Carr, illustrated by Ben Rumback**

**Becoming an Ally to the Gender-Expansive Child: a Guide for Parents and Carers. Anna Bianchi**

**Can I Tell You About Gender Diversity? A Guide for Family and Friends. CJ Atkinson, illustrated by Olly Pike**

**The Conscious Parent's Guide to Gender Identity: a Mindful Approach to Embracing Your Child's Authentic Self. Darlene Tando**


**Counseling Transgender and Non-Binary Youth: the Essential Guide. Irwin Krieger**

‍**It Feels Good to be Yourself : A Book About Gender Identity by Theresa Thorn**


**Trans+: Love, Sex, Romance, and Being You by Kathryn Gonzales and Karen Rayne**

**What is Gender? How Does It Define Us? And Other Big Questions for Kids by Juno Dawso\
**

Teaching about Gender Identity and Sex

As a parent, it can be challenging and overwhelming to know how to support your child. It is important to listen to your child/teen, be patient, and talk openly and frequently with them. It takes a lot of bravery to come out as trans, so make sure you child knows this and that you love them!

#### What does Transgender mean?

Transgender is a term that includes the many ways that people's gender identities can be different from the sex they were assigned at birth. There are a lot of different terms transgender people may use to describe themselves. It is always best to use the language and pronouns that the person prefers. Transgender people may express their gender identities in a variety of ways. This can include behaviour, dress, or mannerisms. Some may take hormones or have surgery. Remember, that transgender people are diverse in their gender identities, gender expressions, and sexual orientations.

How does Transgender identity differ from sexual orientation?

People can often confuse gender identity with sexual orientation. However, being transgender isn't the same thing as being lesbian, gay, or bisexual. Gender identity, whether transgender or cisgender is about who you are inside. Being Lesbian, gay, bisexual, or straight describes who you are attracted to romantically emotionally and sexually.

‍
#### What is gender dysphoria?

Transgender people may feel distressed due to the difference between their gender identity and the gender or sex they were assigned at birth. This can be in the form of physical dysphoria or social dysphoria. As a parent, you should look out for a persistent, insistent,t and consistent gender identification that is different o the one they were given at birth. Some will disclose their dysphoria in their teens, usually around the time of puberty. The diagnosis of gender dysphoria is often the gateway to having insurance coverage of gender-affirming care and to allowing trans people to live as their most authentic selves.

If your child is going through gender dysphoria it is important to let them know that they are loved and supported. Provide them with a great amount of patience, time, and understanding. Likewise, it is best that you increase your knowledge and understanding especially concerning education and medical.

‍

#### Ways to start supporting your transgender child/teen:

-   Always use the name and pronouns that align with your child's gender identity.
-   **‍**Be your child's advocate -- call out transphobia when you see it and ask that others respect your child's identity.
-   Educate yourself about the concerns facing transgender youth and adults.
-   Learn what schools can and should do to support and affirm your child.
-   Encourage your child to stand up for themselves when it is safe to do so and to set boundaries when necessary.
-   Assure your child that they have your unconditional love and support.

‍
#### Identity Labels and Terms:

People's thoughts and feelings concerning their gender can be complex. There are a variety of words and labels that people may use. You should respect the words your child likes to use to describe themselves. Transgender people use many different terms to describe their experiences. If your child is not sure what identity label fits them best then give them the time to decide this for themselves. The language and labels they use may change and differ over time.

#### Common Gender Identity Terms:

**Cisgender**

Those who identify as the sex they were assigned at birth. For example, a baby born with a vulva is categorized a girl. If she also sees herself as a girl throughout her life, she is considered cisgender.\
**‍**

**Cross-Dresser (sometimes shortened to CD)**

A person --- typically a cisgender man --- who sometimes wears feminine clothing in order to have fun, entertain, gain emotional satisfaction, for sexual enjoyment, or to make a political statement about gender roles.\
**‍**

**Gender Fluidity**

A sense that one's gender identity or expression is not set in stone, and that it can change over time or even from day to day. For some people, gender fluid is a gender identity. A gender fluid person may feel male on some days, female on others, both male and female, or neither. A gender fluid person might also identify as genderqueer.

**Gender nonconforming**

When a person's gender expression doesn't fit inside traditional male or female categories (sometimes called the gender binary).\
**‍**

**Gender non-binary\
**When a person's gender identity doesn't fit inside traditional male or female categories Genderqueer

A term for people who don't identify as a man or a woman or whose identity lies outside the traditional gender binary of male and female. Some people use genderqueer, gender nonconforming, and non-binary interchangeably, but others don't. Genderqueer has a political history, so many use the term to identify their gender as non-normative in some way. For example, someone could identify as both cisgender female and genderqueer. Intersex

A general term used for a variety of conditions in which a person is born with a reproductive or sexual anatomy that doesn't fit the typical definitions of female or male. Sometimes an intersex person is assigned a female or male sex at birth through surgery, if external genitals are not obviously male or female. Intersex babies are always assigned a legal sex, but sometimes when they grow up, their gender doesn't match the sex selected for them. Some intersex people are transgender, but intersex does not necessarily mean transgender.

#### Offensive Gender Identity Terms:

The labels listed below are outdated and can be offensive, so best to avoid using these:

**Gender Identity Disorder (or GID)**

The preferred term is gender dysphoria.

**Hermaphrodite**

The preferred term is intersex.

**Pre-operative, post-operative (also pre-op or post-op)**

A set of terms to describe a transgender person who has had or not had sex reassignment surgeries. Focusing on whether someone has had surgery can be considered invasive or a violation of someone's privacy. Also many transgender people don't want (or don't have access to) surgeries that would change their body. Lastly, there are a variety of other ways transgender people transition besides sex reassignment surgery.

**Sex Change Operation**

Preferred terms are Sex Reassignment Surgery (SRS) or gender affirming surgery.

**Shemale**

An offensive term for a transgender woman, especially one who has had medical treatment for her breasts, but still has a penis. This term may be used by sex-workers or within the porn industry.\
**‍**

**Tranny (sometimes referred to as The T-word)**

While some transgender people use the word tranny to describe their gender, most find it highly offensive --- a derogatory slur.

**Transgendered\
**‍

Adding -ed to the end of transgender isn't grammatically correct. You wouldn't say that someone is gayed, womaned, or Latinoed. Similarly you wouldn't call someone transgendered.

**Transsexual**

An older term for people whose gender identities don't match the sex that was assigned at birth and who desire and/or seek to transition to bring their bodies into alignment with their gender identities. Some people find this term offensive, others do not. Only refer to someone as transsexual if they tell you that's how they identify.

#### Resources

[The National Center for Transgender Equality](https://www.amazon.com/What-Makes-Baby-Cory-Silverberg/dp/1609804856/ref=sr_1_13?dchild=1&keywords=where+do+babies+come+from&qid=1632474269&s=books&sr=1-13)

[Mermaids](https://mermaidsuk.org.uk/)

[GLAAD](https://www.glaad.org/)

[PFLAG](https://pflag.org/)

‍

Toolkit for Parents with Transgender Kids/Teens 

STDS are always a risk whenever you have sex, even if you are not having it with the
opposite sex. This article focuses on the risks of STDS if your sex is female,and you have sex
with other females or persons with vulvas. These are some ways STDS can still be
transmitted, and how to prevent risk of transmission.

This is an obvious one- always get tested before you have sexual contact with a new
partner. Although there is no risk of pregnancy here, there is still risk of transmitting
Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, Syphilis, HIV, HPV, and HSV (herpes) - among others. Your risk of
transmitting or contracting an STD will increase if you have sexual contact while on your menstrual cycle. Listed below are other ways on how this happens, and ways to lower the risks:

STDS such as HPV and HSV are transmitted from skin to skin contact, and others such as
Bacterial vaginosis, trichomonas, chlamydia and gonorrhea and in some cases HIV and Syphilis
can be transmitted through exchanging vaginal fluids. This can happen during oral
sex(vaginal). The same applies when a woman is giving or receiving oral sex anally. To help
lower the risk, you can use a dental dam when engaging in oral sex, which will protect you
and your partner ( or at least make it less risky) .
Not going down on someone won’t keep you 100% safe either. These stds can also be
spread from inserting a finger into the vagina- and can be transmitted this way if a woman gets
exposed to the fluids from an infected partner. For this, using thin gloves ( think OBGYN) can
help.
As previously mentioned, skin to skin contact can spread STDS ,particularly Herpes and public
lice(aka crabs). To prevent the risks, never have sex with someone with an active sore present,
as they are highly contagious. Always check to see there aren’t any open sores and wounds
present.
It’s not unusual to use sex toys during sex. However, when toys are shared vaginally, orally, and
anally, this is another way that STDS can be transmitted. This risk can be reduced by not
sharing toys. If you decide to share toys, consider using a condom for any penetrative activity to
reduce this risk, and be sure to clean them with a toy cleaner after use.

Activities where blood play is involved where you’re transmitting blood can put you at risk of
Hepatitis B,C ,and HIV. Be sure to always use clean needles, and do not share them.
Vaccination is available for Hepatitis B.
To reiterate- the most important thing to minimize risk of STD is always testing , and open
honest communication with your partner. Be sure to always test before, and if you are still
worried of possible exposure, take these precautions for extra protection- always remember to
practice safe sex!

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